Loose Women

Great shows last week kid.
Great shows which passed the time for our hard working MLAs up at Stormount as they sat twiddling their thumbs waiting for Loose Women to appear on the TV.
"Loose Women?" sniffed Tommy my cat."I hate, loathe and despise Loose Women,so vulgar, so crude, so awful, so loud!"
I climbed up on the china cabinet that was made in Taiwan and said,
"The women you see on Loose Women are REAL women without any guile or pretence.
When women are around men they act all nicey-nicey, but when women are in a gang they turn into wild, feral creatures with knickers and claws."
"In the name of Slattery's auld buck goat," said Tommy,"are you saying that women are as bad as men?"
"Not as bad," I yelled,"wORSE! Have you ever seen a group of women out on a hen night,yelling and roaring, showing their drawers and molesting a poor old naked rubberman? THEN, in the morning a little,painted waif, dressed in virginal white will mutter demurely, "I DO" and another unsuspecting male will be drawn into the clutches of the black widow spider."
"If that be the case," said Tommy,"why do men GET married?"
"Many reasons," I said. "Love, wanting to settle down, pressure from their mothers and shotguns!"
"But women smell so nice," said Tommy.
"So does deadly nightshade," I replied.
"Women use scent as a lure. They also wear see-through nylon things and only fart after being married three months."
I then cried, "GERONIMO!", as I leaped down from the china cabinet, rolled like a paratrooper, pulled out my bayonet and opened a tin of Mrs Baxter's Scottish Sporran soup for dinner.
As I passed the abode of Steven Nolan I saw blubber and mouth out in the garden.
Tubby was wearing a giant pair of dungarees and cradling a hoe.
"Get rid of that painted, lady of the night!" I yelled.
"Do you want to see a giant headline screaming from the front page of the Sunday World "Ho down at Nolan Manor as Tubby dances the night away with painted slapper?"
"It's not my fault," whined Tubby. "She latched on to me at the chip shop when I flashed my big wad."
"Big wad,my Assyrian Alsatian!" I yelled. "I know your old trick,two twenty pound notes wrapped around a wad of toilet paper."
"How do you know that?" roared Tubby. "Have you been talking to Anderson?"
I tapped my nose and said,
"That's for me to find out and you to know."
"Clear off!" yelled Tubby. "I'm sowing an early crop of runner beans."
"Better get your front gate fixed then," I laughed. "You don't want the beans running away down the street."
"Good thinking, Blunder Woman," said Tubby.
And it was then I knew, knew beyond a shadow of a doubt,that a man can be as stupid as he looks.