A CLOSE SHAVE

Great shows last week kid.
Tommy my cat and I greatly enjoyed the "NEW", improved Gerry Show NOW containing 47% Spring-fresh,lemon aroma. How lucky you are,compared to poor Jim Davidson, who cancelled the play he wrote and starred in due to lack of interest.
The play is called,"Stand up and be counted." It is centered around an aging, racist comedian played by Jim. Jim said to Mohammad Muldoon, editor of the Messenger,
"It's a bit of a stretch playing a big mouthed racist, but I worked like a white man to get it right."
Tommy attracted my attention by pulling out the velcro waistband of my prototyle, space-age,aluminium slacks and pouring in five gallons of thick,Canadian molasses.
"Attend me scurvy knave!" yelled Tommy. "Why have the amalgamated union of winos and newts not taken off their red noses?"
I yelled, "PERUVIAN PLUMS!" and fired off a salvo of Motherwell molluscs in the general direction of the pertinacious pussy.
Then Tommy,scardy cat that he is,ran to the United Nations and got them to issue a no flight zone over his head. The horrible feline had Gadaffied me.
I went into my tent where I pondered and farted for ten hours.
On Friday Tommy and I donned matching harris tweed suits and went to Bushmills to see how whiskey is made. As we watched swearing,sweating men roll big barrels up a ramp,Tommy grabbed me by the harris tweed and yelled,
"Look at barrel five! Does it not look familiar?"
"Stall the distilling!" I cried. "Among your massive casks is one known as Tubby Nolan. Release him! Release him-NIGH!" I roared.
"PHEW!!!" said Tubby. "That was a close shave. I was standing minding my own business when two men threw me to the ground and began to roll me away."
"I have told you before Tubby," I said, "a man of your size and girth needs to keep on the move to avoid being thrown into the back of a wheelie-bin lorry,or hoisted into the hold of a foreign ship."
"I'm off to Stormount!" Yelled Tubby.
"I am the only persecuted minority left in Ulster."
Tubby lumberd off yelling,
"What do I want?
R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
When do I want it?
NIGH!!!!"
Respect from Sammy Wilson? I think the plump one is peeing up the wrong tree!