Smoke and Mirrors

Great show yesterday Kid. Tommy my cat blew up a balloon with a controlled explosion, turned to me and said,
"NOW THAT'S the kind of great show I like! 100% Gerry. No added flavouring OR Mr Coyle."
"Perhaps I'm getting odd in my senility," I said, "but I missed old flog 'em and hang 'em. There was a time yesterday morning, when I would have given anything for a good, COOEE!"
"Good COOEE my scrawny, furry ass!" said Tommy. "I didn't get where I am by looking for, COOEES. I am a self made cat. Anything I have, I worked for. I'm full of GRIT! Do you hear me? I'm full of grit and determination. My motto is, where there's muck, there's brass and where there's brass, there's-monkeys. I was just saying to Sir Alan Sugar the other day..........."
I shut Tommy up by knocking him out with a sock full of Pringle crisps. Eeh, feline went down like a bag of spanners an' lay on back, staring up at ceiling like a bewitched, bothered and bewildered Michelangelo.
"Eeh by gum," I said as I rubbed Dobbin into hobnailed boots, stuck ferret down front of trousers and went out to feed pigeons. AYE! feed pigeons and look at dark satanic mills. Eeh by gum. Them mills don't half get dark and satanic. Mother and I put it down to global warming thou knows!
"Has anybody seen our Eli? E-L-Dub-a-dub-I?
Eli from Huddersfield. Take it away Bert on spoons!"
"I feel-adventurous," said Tubby Nolan, as he lay in his hammock, snacking from a wheelbarrow of prawn cocktail crisps and sipping from a five gallon drum of Mi-Wadi orange.
"I think I shall ask the big cheddar cheese at the BBC to send me to the midst of the Amazon rain forest, to convert the cannibal, flesh-eating pygmies into vegans.
Just think what a TV programme that would make!
"Day four, and the pygmies are still nibbling at Nolan's toes. Steven has just three days left to turn the hungry pygmies on to the joys of soya. Can the intrepid explorer DO IT?"
"You'll be eaten Tubby!" I yelled. "It may take five or six months, but you'll be eaten down to the marrow of your bones.".
"RUBBISH!" yelled Tubby. "I shall have a fifty man camera crew with me and I will be working with house trained pygmies hired from an agency."
"So that's how its done!" I yelled. "Do you mean to tell me, that Bear Grylls, Michael Palin and Yvette Fielding are never in any danger?"
"Of course not," said Tubby. "Celebrities may be thick, but they're not buck stupid."
"Smoke and mirrors!" I yelled. "The whole thing is a con. You'll be telling me next, that Sean Coyle did not fondle a bull at the Balmoral show."
"NOW that is true," giggled Tubby. "Coyle wanted a pay rise, but the BBC decided to let the lad fulfill a life time fantasy instead."
"WHERE'S THE JEYES FLUID?" I yelled. "I shook hands with the "Eye-brow" last week!"
Oh the things you learn about people, when you talk to a fat man in a hammock.