Great shows last week kid.
You got the old gritter,Mr Coyle,out early and put on five great, icicle-dangling shows.
All week the burning question was, "Has old Jordie turned into an abominable snowman?"
I am glad to report,that Jordie's wee lum is still reeking,and his under-carriage, while frost-bitten,will not need any amputations. Praise the Lord and pass the doats! This state of affairs is mainly due to external heat from pallets,firewood and a lorryload of wooden legs that some kindly woman was good enough to send him after her husband,Long John passed away. Internal heat was maintained from Bush whiskey, cooking sherry, poteen and the fast downing of sloe gin.
I handed Tommy my cat a big cardboard box and said,
"Christmas is a time for thinking of others who are not as lucky as we are. Take this box to the guys and gals who appear in LOL."
"What's in the box?" said Tommy.
"One liners and punch lines," I said. "Lord knows they need them."
"I'm not going anywhere near the LOL'ers!" yelled Tommy. "They might make me laugh."
"I would like to see them try!" I yelled.
Silence in court, here comes the judge.
"Tubby Nolan," said the judge,"you find yourself in the dock today,NOT because you dressed up a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose. You do find yourself in the dock for the strategically placed SECOND carrot. How do you plead you rotund rascal?".
"INNOCENT!" roared Tubby. "I am as innocent as the new born snow and the driven baby.
It was not I who placed the second carrot South of the border down Mexico way. It was the work of hoodies, slabbers and bucket bakes. Your honour," yelled Tubby,"it is a well known fact that I haven't seen the area where the carrot was placed for over 20 years! Your honour," roared Tubby,"please release me, let me go!"
"Case dismissed!" cried the old judge, whipping off his syrup of figs.
"Then I can-GO?" cried Tubby.
"NO!" roared the judge. "I want you to take me home in your car, because,my fat, oval friend,I am as drunk as a judge!"
Sunday 19 December 2010
Monday 6 December 2010
Magic Script Writers
Great show yesterday kid. A great show made all the more intriguing when Mr Coyle was heard to whisper in a throaty, husky, Barry White voice,
"Shall I show him Emma?"
And Emma, with a catch in her voice gasped, "NO!"
Tommy my cat and I leaped up from the two crouching Swedish dwarfs we were sitting on and ran around in circles.
"What in the Sam Hill blazes is going on in there?" I yelled.
"Coylers is weaving his magic!" Tommy cried.
"Rubbish!" I roared. "There's no magic left in Mr Coyle's old, bent wand. You need a good wand to weave magic."
"This will be on Wikileaks tonight," said Tommy,"under the heading, Emma says, NO!"
Talking of Wikileaks," I said as I went to the door and gave a polar bear half a pan loaf,"did you see Nigel Dodds still insist that the President is NOT a crook?"
"That dog don't hunt," said Tommy. "Nigel should listen to Seamus Heaney,
"What ever you say, say nothing."
"Tubby Nolan was on Wikileaks," I said. "During his last holiday he floated into North Korean waters and nearly started a third world war. The North Koreans were just ready to yell,
"Geronimo!" and press the red button when they saw Tubby's little periscope and fell about laughing."
"No one can laugh like a North Korean," said Tommy,"which is why the BBC have flown in 100 North Koreans to laugh at,Sketchy and LOL."
"Too little,too late!" I cried. "What the BBC should have done was hire Michael McGimpsey and Edwin Poots as script writers."
"Ah, McGimpsey and Poots," said Tommy. "They wrote for Tommy Cooper and Tony Hancock did they not?"
"Yes," I said, "but only after they were dead."
"A bridge too far," said Tommy. "First said by Phil Coulter when he got writer's block during,BOOM-BANG-A-BANG."
"What is little Phil doing now," I said, "tuning pianos?"
"No," said Tommy,"the little legend is working on an album about the famine. The album contains such smash hits as.
"Eating Grass"
"I'm Starving"
And "Who ate all the pies?"
I fired a double-barrelled shotgun at the middle plaster duck flying up the wall and said,
"If the Prince who turned into a frog, Andrew Lloyd Webber, gets his hands on that he will turn it into a musical."
"He must be stopped at all costs!" yelled Tommy.
"You phone the police and I'll get onto the Taliban."
Thank goodness for the Taliban. They hate anything to do with fun,which begs the question, where were the Taliban when Sketchy and LOL were wrecking havoc all over Ulster?
Answers on a postcard to Frank Mitchell under the bundle of old clothes outside the gates of UTV.
P.S. The Emma, Sean exchange was over an email to John Bennet!
A likely story!
"Shall I show him Emma?"
And Emma, with a catch in her voice gasped, "NO!"
Tommy my cat and I leaped up from the two crouching Swedish dwarfs we were sitting on and ran around in circles.
"What in the Sam Hill blazes is going on in there?" I yelled.
"Coylers is weaving his magic!" Tommy cried.
"Rubbish!" I roared. "There's no magic left in Mr Coyle's old, bent wand. You need a good wand to weave magic."
"This will be on Wikileaks tonight," said Tommy,"under the heading, Emma says, NO!"
Talking of Wikileaks," I said as I went to the door and gave a polar bear half a pan loaf,"did you see Nigel Dodds still insist that the President is NOT a crook?"
"That dog don't hunt," said Tommy. "Nigel should listen to Seamus Heaney,
"What ever you say, say nothing."
"Tubby Nolan was on Wikileaks," I said. "During his last holiday he floated into North Korean waters and nearly started a third world war. The North Koreans were just ready to yell,
"Geronimo!" and press the red button when they saw Tubby's little periscope and fell about laughing."
"No one can laugh like a North Korean," said Tommy,"which is why the BBC have flown in 100 North Koreans to laugh at,Sketchy and LOL."
"Too little,too late!" I cried. "What the BBC should have done was hire Michael McGimpsey and Edwin Poots as script writers."
"Ah, McGimpsey and Poots," said Tommy. "They wrote for Tommy Cooper and Tony Hancock did they not?"
"Yes," I said, "but only after they were dead."
"A bridge too far," said Tommy. "First said by Phil Coulter when he got writer's block during,BOOM-BANG-A-BANG."
"What is little Phil doing now," I said, "tuning pianos?"
"No," said Tommy,"the little legend is working on an album about the famine. The album contains such smash hits as.
"Eating Grass"
"I'm Starving"
And "Who ate all the pies?"
I fired a double-barrelled shotgun at the middle plaster duck flying up the wall and said,
"If the Prince who turned into a frog, Andrew Lloyd Webber, gets his hands on that he will turn it into a musical."
"He must be stopped at all costs!" yelled Tommy.
"You phone the police and I'll get onto the Taliban."
Thank goodness for the Taliban. They hate anything to do with fun,which begs the question, where were the Taliban when Sketchy and LOL were wrecking havoc all over Ulster?
Answers on a postcard to Frank Mitchell under the bundle of old clothes outside the gates of UTV.
P.S. The Emma, Sean exchange was over an email to John Bennet!
A likely story!
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