Parity of Esteem

Great show yesterday Kid. I looked at Tommy my cat who was melting some strawberry jelly in hot water and said,
"Tommy, my old Comanchero, was that not a great, great show?"
Tommy flipped the butt of his cigarette into the melting jelly and replied,
"It grieves me and saddens me, but I can not, in all honesty, describe the show we just heard as a great show."
I reeled back, like a man who had caught his braces on a door knob and cried,
"Not a great show? Tommy, we have always agreed that all the Gerry shows are great shows."
"I know," said Tommy, "but this time I cannot concur. My heart is heavy," said Tommy, "My brain is in turmoil and my innards are all a quiver,but I can not, I will not, agree, that today's show was a great show. Because of my deep feelings for Gerry, I will go so far as to state, it was a middling show."
"A middling show!" I exploded. "By the red flannel drawers of Maggie Taggart have you lost your cotton picking mind?"
"I have not lost my cotton or polyester picking mind!" yelled Tommy. "What I expect from Gerry and the BBC is parity of esteem. Today's show was all about the canine species. Not one word about felines. Not a dicky bird about pussy cats. DISCRIMINATION!" screamed Tommy."Blatant, naked DISCRIMINATION!"
I looked at little Tommy, so sad, so downcast, so knocked into a heap.
"Have a sweet Tommy!" I yelled, taking a brandy ball out of my mouth and handing it to the deflated pussy.
"No thank you," replied Tommy. "I couldn't eat a thing. I think I'll go to bed and cry into my pillow."
THEN! an orange-faced Steven Nolan burst into the room.
"I came as soon as I heard Tommy!" roared the oval man. "How are you holding up?"
"Not too well," whispered Tommy. "I feel --unwanted. I feel like a fart in a diver's helmet. I think I will toddle off to bed and cry myself to sleep."
"Look at the shape Anderson has left that poor lump of a cat in!" roared Tubby.
"Anderson is dog mad. I saw the lovely Sarah Travers offer Anderson a piece of her Kit-Kat one day and Anderson yelled,
"Oh matron, take it away!"
Don't you worry Tommy lad!" roared Tubby. "When I return on Monday I will devote the entire show to pussy cats."
Then I saw Tubby glance at the bowl of jelly.
"Ah, jelly!" cried Tubby. "My favourite beverage. May one have a little sip?"
Tubby put the bowl to his gub and swallowed half the jelly,
He who is fashioned after the egg, smacked his lips and said,
"A cheeky little jelly, fruity, with just a hint of..........."
"Nicotine," I said.
"Yes," said Tubby."Nicotine, and if I'm not mistaken, it's Benson and Hedges."
Then Lardo put the bowl to his mouth and finished the jelly.
The fat boy burped, gave a belly gurgle and was sick all over me.
On my way back from the car wash, I went into the Linen Hall library and bought Tommy a lucky bag. You will never guess what was in it. A little plastic dog! Tommy went completely haywire and had to be super-glued to the bed for his own safety!
Mind your backs! Mind your backs! Let the man with the unicorn through.