BRINGING UP A CAT ON PENUARY AND PEANUTS

Tommy my cat and I sat in front of a lovely fire made up from wellingtons and whirligigs. The cold, wintry rain beat against the window and lashed into our faces, because of lack of glass. The wind howled low, Tommy and I howled high. A little tea pot sat singing on the crossed wellingtons. A heap of bread lay in the coal scuttle, waiting to be toasted. What a sight it was, straight out of Dickens, I was crouched and bent over like Fagin and Tommy was looking at me with big round eyes like Oliver Twist. I was talking, which explained the sound coming from my flapping lips. "There comes a time," I said, "when we must strive, strive, to find the answer to things we know not off. We must seek," I said, "seek out new horizons. When we find those new horizons, we still must strive and seek to find even more horizons, new horizons that are hidden beyond the far off horizons. We must never falter." I said, "We must push on into the unknown, never looking back, always looking forward, striving, always striving, seeking, always seeking, never faltering, always never faltering. Always remember, to strive, to seek, to never falter, all these are good, but the greatest of the three, is to-strive and so Tommy, to answer your question, the bear went over the mountain, to see what he could see." "Gee, Jolly, Gosh" said Tommy, "when you put it like that, it's so easy to understand. I wish I were like you, an ugly old slapper with brains to burn." I smiled and demurred. I like a good demur before my tea. "You're a good boy Tommy," I said, "a good boy, now, wet the tea while I look out of the window and yell-Geronimo." Suddenly I heard a hissing sound behind me, "SNAKE" I yelled, biting deep into my arm and sucking to get the poison out. I spun round like a hobby-horse and there was Tommy standing over the teapot with the fly of his little mauve trousers open.nNot only did he ruin the tea, he extinguished the two wellingtons and left the whirligigs soaked, sodden and saturated. No eleven plus for that lad this year, he's just not ready.
Tuesday being a day which falls conveniently between thingy-may-bob and what-you-call-it, I sprang from my hammock at the first skirl from my tartan, bagpipes alarm clock. I scraped off my pancake make up with a trowel, threw it into the frying pan, added a nob of butter and had a pancake omelet for my breakfast. "AH, that's better," I cried "sets you up for the day," as I vomited the whole lot over the postman. I rifled through the letters.Nnothing but hate mail from the butcher, the baker, the electricity board, the housing executive and sweet Fanny Adams from Florida. I stamped them all ' Paid' and stuffed them into the letterbox with a rare, ebony pygmy bum scratcher that my late daddy brought back from the war in Portrush. I spent the morning lying in the middle of a busy road with my teeth bared, pretending I was a squashed badger. In the afternoon, Tommy and I changed into two flying suits and jumped from tall trees, pretending to be German paratroopers who had forgotten their parachutes. What fun, if more people did that, there would be more people walking around with broken legs. After a late supper of beaten eggs, battered sausages and mentally abused mince it was time for-Love, time for-L'amore. I changed into a little yellow number, a pants-suit with Belfast Council written on the back, just above the two fluorescent white stripes. A little Charlie behind one ear and a little Willie John behind the other and I was ready to toss my brown, knitted bonnet into the ring of-love. Tommy had to come and get me at four o'clock at the police station. "Take the old slapper home, Tommy lad" said Sir Hugh Orde, "up to her old tricks again she was. My boys picked her up on the Donegall Road, they did.She was rolling about in the middle of the street yelling, "Hey boys, I'm a plum and I've just fallen off the tree of life." I tell you Tommy, some of those young men will never be the same again and my officers are sitting in the canteen, drinking hot tea and shaking like leaves on a tree." "Give us a kiss Hughie," I yelled, "to show there is no ill feelings." "Take her home," yelled Sir Hugh, "I've got Steven Nolan in my office, complaining that someone nicked his Christmas cake, but if you ask me, chummy ate it. The pleated fork of his massive trousers are full of crumbs." Tommy drove me through the darkened streets, with a pointy stick. Every now and then the fiery feline would pick up a stone and hap it off my head. "Tommy," I slurred, "Tommy, I'm innocent, I was standing under the street light for heat and the red light was to keep away blind bats." Tommy never spoke, he just happed another piece of breeze block against my napper. "Good night Belfast," I cried, "home of the Titanic, the Ulster fry and the wee flatulent--James Galway."
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Perhaps, the sun will shine tomorrow and there'll be buttered scones for tea.

PUSSIES POLLYWOGS AND POLITICAL POLTOONERY

I slid down the banister yelling, "Big Chief Rain In The Face." I have never liked Geronimo since the day he scalped my bald Grandfather and stole his bag of brandy balls. I put the handbrake on the banister and peeped into my living room. Something was-wrong, something just wasn't-right, something was-missing. It was me, so I did a cart wheel and landed in the middle of the room. I looked around by using my eyes and swiveling my neck. Over in the corner, Tommy my cat had a small mouse by the throat and was yelling into its face, "Are you now, or have you ever been a member of the Communist party?" "Unhand that rodent," I yelled "that is Bertie, a lifelong member of the Alliance party. I have often seen Bertie and David Ford together discussing policy." "Sorry mate," said Tommy, putting little Bertie down and dusting him off, "can't be too careful these days. The reds are on the march again, threatening the very fabric of our free, Democratic society." "Shut up, Senator McCarthy," I yelled, "since you became the only other member in Bob McCartney's party, there has been no putting up with you." "Bob's the man." yelled Tommy. "Bob will built this country up again. A vote for Bob, is a vote for--Bob McCartney." "Shut your yapper Tommy," I screamed, "I have lost something, something very dear to me. I had it in my hand a minute ago and-now I can't find it anywhere."
Tommy sauntered over to a poof, shooed him off the chair and sat down.Tommy picked up the Bombay Times, crossed one furry leg over the other and said. "This-thing you have lost, what does it look like?" I ran up stairs for my teeth, bit my lip and stammered, "It's just a little-plaything that's all. It's pink and furry, just a little plaything that I use for relieving stress." "Aa-Ha," said Tommy, "just a little-plaything?" Then Tommy leaped to his feet and screamed, "Do you think I'm stupid? I know what that little furry plaything is. Its the trigger for a HYDROGEN BOMB that you bought on eBay last week for £5.59!" "Is it?" I yelled ."I had no idea, I thought it was just a little, pink, furry thing." "LIAR," screamed Tommy, "and I also know about the gigantic hydrogen bomb that you constructed in the tool shed. What's going on?" yelled Tommy, "come on, spit it out, you old reprobate of a rat bag!" "It's true," I shrieked, "I want a hydrogen bomb. I want to be a super power. Everyone has them, the Americans, the British, the French, the Indians and Pakistans. If Iran gets a hydrogen bomb before me, I'll me mortified. Please let me have a bomb Tommy, please-please, I swear I'll never ask for anything else. Please let me have a bomb Tommy, please-please-please!" Tommy put his hands on his slim hips and looked at me with disgust and puss in his yellow, slitted, feline eyes. "Well, well, well," said Tommy, "so you want to be a -super power? You want to join the arms race? You want to own a nuclear bomb?" "Yes Tommy," I pleaded "that's all. I just want to be-accepted. I want to make new nuclear friends. I never had any friends at school, because of my chronic BO and my habit of biting people."Tommy stood with his hands behind his back and thought. Then he said, "If I do let you have this nuclear bomb-and I haven't said yes yet, do you promise not to let it off?" "YES Tommy, yes, yes." I yelled "I only want the bomb for a deterrent. I mean when you think of it, its just like a girl carrying pepper spray or Mace isn't it?" "Well--all right" said Tommy, "but there are conditions. You must look after the nuclear bomb. You must keep it spick and span. If you don't," said Tommy, "don't expect me to look after it and you must also remember, that a nuclear bomb, like a little puppy, is not just for Christmas, it's for life." "I promise Tommy," I said, "I promise, I'll look after that massive nuclear bomb better than any nuclear bomb was ever looked after." I lowered my voice and whispered, "I have heard in nuclear circles that the Americans never dust their nuclear bombs.""Tut-Tut," said Tommy "that's the Americans for you, they put all the new, shiny stuff in the shop window, but God only knows what their store room is like." Later, after a light supper of pollywogs on toast, Tommy helped me to install the pink, fluffy nuclear trigger. Now, we could sleep content. Tommy and I were a nuclear power. No one would mess with us now. I was leaving very positive feedback on eBay for the man who sold me the little, pink, fluffy, nuclear trigger, when Tommy stuck his head round the door and said. "Oh bye the bye, the clocks go back on Saturday night, so you will have to get up at two o'clock and reset the timing clock on the bomb.". "SIR, yes-SIR," I yelled leaping to my feet. Oh how we laughed. "Tommy," I whispered, "are you awake?" "Yes," whispered Tommy. "I just want to thank you Tommy," I said, "I just want to thank you for letting me keep the nuclear bomb." "No probs," said Tommy "Now go to your bed and get your beauty sleep. We don't want you scaring the milkman again.". "How is Bert?" I whispered. "Still climbing the walls," whispered Tommy, "but his jibbering has greatly reduced in volume.". "Good," I whispered, "I like Bert."
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THE ANATOMICAL ANOMALIES OF THE COMMON OR GARDEN-CAT

Tommy my cat and I were sitting at home, pretending to be a woman and cat sitting at home. "This is fun," giggled Tommy, "I mean, sitting at home, pretending to be a woman and cat sitting at-home." "Yes," I said, "thank goodness both of us are at home or we couldn't have played this game". "If you were out" said Tommy "I could still pretend that I was a cat sitting at home." "Its not the same kid" I said "For years I used to sit at home pretending I was a woman sitting at home, but it's not the same. It was round about that time that I decided to get a cat for company." "Bye the bye," said Tommy "where did you get me? in a cat refuge? an advert in the paper? a strange meeting with an old crone in the woods?" "Neither," I said, "I found you in a Camay soap box drifting down the river Lagan." Tommy gulped and turned as pale as a black cat can". "It was a Saturday night," I went on, "around Halloween. I thought the box might contain a set of spanners or a crystal goblet with a rim of gold, so I reached out with my broomstick, I mean a-stick and pulled the box ashore and there you were, a small, wet pathetic kitten crying for your mummy, I was just going to set you adrift again, when I thought, "No, It was fate that made you find this feline, your destinies are intertwined, take the kitten home, nourish him, love him and you will never be alone-again". Tommy looked at me with tears in his slitted, yellow eyes and said "Was I alone in the box?" "Alone all alone," I cried, "except for a small rattle, six nappies and an ivory cameo of Lord Carson." "The same one I still wear round my neck," said Tommy, fingering his 18 carat rolled gold necklace. In the silence that followed, Richard Branson sailed round the world in a supermarket shopping bag, the price of oil fell to 10 pence a barrel and Steven Nolan ate his own weight in Jammy Dodgers. "I wonder where I came from" said Tommy "and why mummy gave me away? Was there-no clue?" "There was a note," I cried, "A note written in Sanskrit, but it gave no clue as to who you are or where you came from". "What did the note say? cried Tommy "What did the note-say?" I went up to the attic and dragged down an old chest, covered in rust and dust. I opened the chest with an ancient creak, not having the key, reached in and withdrew a cigarette. I lit the cigarette by applying flame to one end, took a little puff up to his bed and went on with my story. "The letter" I cried, "That was written in-Sanskrit, with pencil said-and I quote, "To whom it may concern, because it doesn't concern us, in this box is a kitten born out of wedlock. We are a respectable family, with two cars and sprinklers on the lawn. Our eldest daughter has just gone up to university, even though it's only down the road and our son-Orville can walk and talk, and he's just turned 28. As for this kitten, contained in the box, do with him what you like. He will never get a penny of our money, or dance at my daughte'rs wedding. He is an outcast, a homeless feline, we never want to see him again. All the best from Alma and Ernie Barrowfield, 23 the Hawthorns, Ann Street, Belfast, Northern Ireland, Great Britain, The world, the Universe, The Cosmos."
Tommy looked at me and said, "If we only had some clue." "I know lad," I said, "I know, but the man who wrote that wasn't giving anything away. Talk about-obtuse."
"Tommy," I said, over a supper of a little fishie on a dishie, "Can you really see in the dark Tommy?" "Tommy looked all around and muttered, "I'm not really supposed to talk about this, but-yes." "How cool," I said, "can you not see the dark like the rest of us can?" "Of course I can see the dark" said Tommy "If I didn't see the dark, I would never know when to switch on the lights on my bicycle. I can-SEE in the dark. I have special lens in my eyes that allow me to see in the dark." "Did you go to Specsavers?" I said. "No," said Tommy, "nature provided them and I didn't have to fill a form in or anything." "I wish I could see in the dark" I said. "If I could see in the dark, I could sell my flash light and buy a stone of plums." I have another gift," said Tommy with a wink, "I can see the-wind." I broke wind with surprise. "I saw that." said Tommy. "Oh Tommy," I yelled "Oh Tommy Cat, I have always wanted to know the colour of the wind. Tommy, please tell me Tommy, please, what colour is the wind?" "It's hard to describe" said Tommy "It's a sort of silvery colour with tinges of aqua marine and just a hint of canary yellow." "Oh Tommy," I cried "How wonderful it must be to be a cat. To be able to see in the dark, to be able to see the beauty of the wind and to be able to fall from tall buildings and always land on your feet." Tommy burst out laughing and said, "Cats can't fall from tall buildings and land on their feet." "Yes they can." I yelled "Everyone says so.""No, No," said Tommy "It's an urban myth, put about by lucky, contortionist cats." Tommy and I were so happy in our snug, condemned wee home. We both gave a shriek, clasped hands and danced a four hand reel to the sound of Christine Bleakly on TV, whining on and on about global warming and the outrageous price of wee buns with sugar on the top. Then Tommy and I stood out in the cold and rain, pretending to be a woman and cat locked out of their house. I don't know, It's all-go, where does the time go? I mean, it seems only yesterday, I was wondering what would happen today! Life-eh? Cor Blimey! Where's it all going to end? and will there be a man to show us the way out? I don't know. I suppose there's no good carping on about it. Life-eh? it's some handlin', stone the crows, eh missus? I mean, it makes you think. And then you have to contend with monkeys on pogo sticks! What's all that about then-eh? I don't know, cor blimey and stone the bleeding crows--eh?
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Yeh, monkeys on pogo sticks? that's what we have to put up with now!

WHERE HAS ALL THE MONEY GONE?

"COCK-A-DOODLE-DO!" cried the rooster. "Cock-a-doodle-NO!" I yelled, pulling the blankets over my head. "COCK-A-DOODLE-DO-NIGH!" cried the rooster. "Cock-a-doodle-your-ass!" I yelled. "COCK-A-DOODLE-DO!" cried the rooster. It was no good, I had to get up, but I got up with bad grace. How Grace got into my bed last night, I'll never know. She said she had an invite, but when pressed, couldn't produce it. Maybe she did. I remember sending out a bunch of invitations, inviting people to join me in bed. I searched under the blankets and the pillows, but no sign of Hugo Duncan. I suppose he thinks he's better that me now he's got the new false teeth. I sang as I dressed. "Giddy-up, giddy-up a ding dong!" I yelled as I stepped into my little black number. I just love that bin liner. I found it in a wheelie-bin on the Malone Road, so it's got class. Shoes, shoes, shoes, the same decision every morning, what shoes should I wear? I decided to compromise and slipped into a pink, 8 inch heel stiletto and a lime green wellington with the top rolled down. I stood at an angle, admiring myself in the mirror. "You got it girl!" I yelled to my reflection. "You don't need Trinny and Suzanna to tell you what to wear."I clamped a brown bonnet on my head, wrapped a West Ham football scarf round my gullet and I was ready. I tripped down the stairs like Maggie Poppins, the half sister of Mary singing merrily, "Hit me, hit me, hit me with your rhythm stick." I leapt over the banister yelling, "GERONIMO!" and burst into the living room and found my cat Tommy in a state of confusion, delusion, but devoid of any conclusion. Tommy was down on the floor on his hands and knees, shaking the money out of his piggy bank. There was a look of-madness in the feline, slitted eyes. "Tommy, Tommy!" I yelled. "What are you up too lad? Are you compos mentis? or are you in a state of do-lalliness, bordering on full blown, 24 caret, 100%-madness?" Tommy looked up, his eyes filled with horror and hissed,( he'll clean that up later), "I must get my life savings out of this bank," screamed Tommy. "Why Tommy?" I said. "Because this bank could go bust at anytime," shrieked Tommy. "Surely not," I said, "It looks like a good, strong substantial bank to me, made out of the strongest plastic." "You don't understand," screamed Tommy, "banks are falling like wino's on a Saturday night. American banks, UK banks, German banks and the last bank in Iceland fell during the night. Bank robbers, with guns are walking the streets, dazed and confused." "The poor wee doats," I said "I didn't know things were that bad. What can I do Tommy?" I shrieked. "What can I do to help? Tommy didn't answer, he pulled his hair out by the roots, rent his garments, kicked a poof and yelled, "Damn Freddie and Fanny, damn them I say." "Have Freddie and Fanny hurt my little Tommy?" I yelled. "Tell me where this Freddie and Fanny live and I'll go round there and punch them up the gub." "Freddie and Fanny are American banks," yelled Tommy. "They were the first banks to go bust and the rest followed like sheep." "But where did the money go Tommy?" I asked. "It-it-just disappeared," yelled Tommy. "No one knows where the money went. It went into a computer and never came out again." ""What is President Georgie Bush doing about all this?" I yelled, striking a Nelson pose. "George Bush, is acting like-George Bush," said Tommy. "What's the maverick doing," I cried. "What is old John McCain doing? He's a maverick, you know, surely he must be doing some mavericky things." "The maverick," yelled Tommy "is walking around in a daze, with a moose hunter from Alaska, calling everybody--my friend.". "Durn blast the hoggle-swoggle son of a gun from Arizona" I yelled. Tommy sat down and began to count his money, starting like every good mathematician with--"ONE." I paced the floor, banging one fist into the other. My eyes had a steely glint and my nose had a reddish hue. "It's all here" screamed Tommy, "its all here, every penny. I haven't been wiped out by the big crash." "How much did you have in the bank Tommy?" I said. "One pound and 87 pence," said Tommy and his little feline cheeks were glowing like apples. "Well done Tommy," I cried. "If you had another 13 pence, you would have even more money." "Put the TV on," yelled Tommy "put the TV on,.I want to laugh at the suckers who lost their shirts." Steven Nolan's great big face filled the plasma screen and the speakers vibrated as Tubby roared into the camera. "I lost it all, every penny I had. I lost my shirt, underpants and three pair of socks. I'm wiped out, I haven't even the price of a hamburger. And it's all down to Freddie and Fanny. I'm sorry for Freddie, but I should have known that tramp Fanny was a money grabbing harlot the way she pulled me up the stairs in Las Vegas." "Tommy killed himself laughing and chortled, "Fat boy not happy." "No indeedee" I said, "Fat boy not happy. Fat boy wiped out. Fat boy loose many spondulecks." Tommy and I sat watching as Steven "Tubby" Nolan sang into the camera with tears streaming down his massive face.
"No body know, da trouble I've seen
No body know my sorrow
No body know da trouble I've seen
By jeekers and begorragh."

As Fred Dibnah would say, "Did you like that?"
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HIGH FINANCE AND LOW FINESSE

As the sun broke over Belfast, it found the city exactly where it had been last night. It hadn't moved an inch, had not tried to make an escape during the hours of darkness. I think that says a lot about Belfast and the people of Belfast. Citizens of Belfast, stand up and take a bow. If you haven't got a bow, get on to eBay immediately. If you can't find a bow in your size, you could always buy a curtsy or a snappy salute. It's up to you, good people of Belfast, how you show pride in the populace. Far be it for me to dictate how you should celebrate your bravery. But, good people of Belfast, don't squander this glorious moment. Take a bow, pat yourself on the back and the next time you meet yourself, invite yourself in for a wee dram. Och-Aye.
I groaned wearily as I crawled out off the toilet bowl, I had been in there for two weeks, pretending I was the American economy. Tommy my cat was sprawled on the carpet, pretending to be the fallen dollar. Suddenly, Jim Rodgers stuck his nose through the letter box and screamed, "HI-big bail out for the American economy-NIGH!" Seven hundred billion. I could feel it doing me good already. Tommy jumped up, grabbed for a Cockney accent and began to sing in the oddest voice, "What do you want, if you don't want money?" I twirled myself round the room, then I grabbed my hand and danced The Walls of Limerick to the sound of the slapper with the hoover next door. What a relief! At one point I thought I was going down the pan and poor Tommy was so weak, the Japanese yen was battering the face of him. And now!-now we had got a transfusion of money from the American tax payer. I whipped out my wok, found it was a stone that Jonathan Ross had given me for my birthday, and grabbed the frying pan instead. In no time I had whipped up a celebratory banquet of cardboard, string and dust mites. As Tommy and I sat, toasting the financial bail -out with goblets of Fairy washing up liquid. I looked at Tommy and said. "Tommykins, you're a smart Cookie. What was the reason for the collapse of the American economy?" Tommy took a sip of Fairy liquid, boaked into his dinner and said, "GREED" "Greed?" I yelled, running to the foot of our stairs, bolting the door and drawing the blinds with a pencil. "GREED," said Tommy. "That's the cause of all the caffuffle. Nothing but good old fashioned-greed!" "It can't be!" I yelled to Pansy the parrot. "Oh yes it can," squawked Pansy. "I don't understand," I cried to the light bulb. "Hey man," said the light bulb, "Don't drag me into it. I'm just hanging around, minding my own business." "GREED?" I shrieked to the whispering grass, who tried to tell the trees, but the trees didn't want to know. "Tommy1" I yelled, "what can we do to make sure this, this-ah meltdown, this horlicks doesn't happen again?" Tommy wiped his feline lips with a sleeping kin, no, sorry, a napkin, got to his feet, stood at the fireplace, lit a cigar, put one thumb into the pocket of his canary yellow waistcoat and said. "Fiscal responsibility." "You what?" I yelled. Tommy sauntered over to the piano, tinkled on the ivories, filthy habit and said, "We must tighten our belts, cut our cloth to suit our means, knuckle down on credit, tie a knot in our galluses, always carry a clean hankie, keep our powder dry, never look a gift horse in the mouth and flush the toilet after using it." I looked at Tommy in shock and awe. What a smart little cat, what a cute little feline. Then Tommy's cigar exploded with a BANG, blew off his bow tie and left his little face all black. I just laughed like the gulpin I am, as I looked at Tommy, searching frantically for a banjo while singing, "MAMMY-MAMMY."
Two stone of biscuit crumbs had accumulated in the fork of Steven Nolan's huge trousers. There we lay, beside the landfill site, swatting flies and yelling-"Shoosh" to the hungry rats. I gazed at Tubby with my eyes full of passion and pus. Dear Steven gazed back and fluttered his eyelashes. My beret flew off my head and my wig slid over one ear. Steven eased up on one gigantic hip, broke wind so romantically and said, "Lie down Toots, I've got something for you." I shrieked like a rat in a trap, as dear Steven picked up a hurdy-gurdy and began to croon.
"I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes
I'm so full I'm brustin, I'm gonna need some pos
So If you really love me
Have them lined up in neat rows."
As the haunting love song drifted up with the smoke from the landfill site, the sun slowly sank in the West, leaving the city of Belfast in darkness. But would Belfast be there in the morning when the sun rose in the East? I sighed and threw myself on Tubby, grabbing and groping at his little hurdy-gurdy.
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And remember, be good and if you can't be good--be bad.