SOD BUSTING

Great shows last week Kid. Tommy my cat and I spent Easter in a snow drift. There we sat, shivering with cold, eating chocolate eggs and singing,
"I'm dreaming of a white Easter."
What is wrong with the weather? I blame hurricanes, hoodies and hair spray. Too many people are yelling, "Because I'm worth it!" pressing the nozzle on the hair spray can and leaving the ozone layer like a Swiss Cheese. And John Daly Esquire is the worst offender. NO! John, you are NOT worth it! Do you expect me and Tommy to spend Easter in a snow drift, just so you can get a mirror-like shine on your dome?
Lynda Byrons IS, worth it, but not you Mr John Daly. Why don't you use Brasso like Harry Hill? I await your answer with baited breath and clenched buttocks.
Suddenly, Tommy's mood, unlike the weather changed. The wild-eyed feline grabbed me by my soupstained twinset and screamed,
"Why are the BBC trying to stitch up poor Peter Robinson?"
"I know not of what you speak," I cried. "I haven't heard the Ulster news for ages. Everytime I gaze into Noel Thompson's dark, latin eyes I get hypnotized and the next thing I see is the big potato head of Adrian Chiles on the One Show. What has the BBC alleged that little Peter is up to, riding a bicycle without a light?"
"LAND GRABBING!" yelled Tommy.
The truth is, Peter bought a small strip of land. Then her took off his coat and got stuck into some heavy duty sod busting."
"How do you bust a sod?" I asked.
"You hit it over the head with a spade," said Tommy.
"Like killing an eel?" I asked
"Yes," said Tommy, "the same modus operandi. As I was saying, the BBC is trying to infer that Peter....."
"Could you use a shovel?" I asked.
"Use a shovel for what?" said Tommy.
"Could you use a shovel for sod busting?" I asked.
"I don't know" said Tommy. "The point is, the BBC are trying to make out that........"
"How many sods has Peter busted?" I asked.
"Peter has busted many, many sods," said Tommy. "When it comes to sod busting,Peter Robinson is probably the premier sod buster in Ulster. No one can bust a sod like him. I have seen sods that I never thought could be busted,but Peter would raise the spade high above his head and bring it down with a WHACK! And Hey Presto, a busted sod."
"And the BBC has taken umbrage because Peter Robinson busts sods?" I said.
"YES!" yelled Tommy.
"It's PC gone mad. It's the nanny state. The BBC says that sods have rights and now, the BBC is vilifying Peter Robinson for sod busting. Sod busting is in Peter Robinson's blood. He comes from a long line of sod busters. Oh the stories I could tell you about Peter Robinson and sod busting."
"Did Peter Robinson make a reference to Mother Theresa and Cruella De Ville?" I asked.
"Yes he did," said Tommy.
"I always get them mixed up," I said.
"Do you know which is which?"
"Mother Theresa is the nun," said Tommy, "the one that was fasttracked to sainthood.
But to get back to the BBC and Peter Robinson,"
I turned Tommy off by hitting him over the head with a frying pan and sat down to watch the Wacky Races on TV. I just love Dick Dastardly. Penelope Pitstop is such a--girl!
Now, where is my spade? I know a sod that should have been busted years ago.
"Oh Tubby. Tubby Nolan, come out. I have a stone of lard for you. Tubby. COOEE Tubby! TUBBY! TUBBY!
I wasn't half chagrined when Tubby failed to appear.