Motivational Speaking

Great shows this week Kid. Using my sat nav I located Tommy my cat in the corner and said,
"Tommy, form a circle around me. I have something of the utmost importance to impart to you. Tommy," I said,"the great shows that Gerry is putting on this week,are shows with a greatness unparalleled in the history of great shows."
Tommy fired both barrels of a double barrelled shotgun up the chimney, to clear out the soot and replied,
"Anyone who sets their moral compass to the Gerry show,can rest assured that their ship will never run aground on the barren coral reef in the Sargasso sea,where weird, slimy, creepy creatures sport and play under a blood-red, gibbousness moon."
"TOMMY!" I yelled,"I like the cut of your jib. Go help yourself to a Jacob's cream cracker out of the biscuit barrell."
"Thank'ee mistress," said Tommy. "I don't mind if I do,though I says it myself. I do have a hankering for the cream cracker biscuit made by Jacobs."
Suddenly, I felt oratory rise like lava from my churning intestines. I quickly climbed up on a chair and spouted,
"Gerry Anderson could make a good living as a motivational speaker. Gerry Anderson could change lives. Gerry Anderson could give the weak,the down trodden,the no hopers, the Catholics, a reason to exist."
"You tell it like it is girl!" yelled Tommy. "Hit me again! Hit me again with that old time religion,that's good enough for me."
"SEMINARS!" I yelled.
"What you talkin' 'bout Willis?" said Tommy,doing his little Gary Coleman impersonation from Different Strokes, which always cracks me up. I fell off my chair with laughter. When I hit the floor I received multiple fractures,cuts and grazes. I staggered to my feet and cried,
"Gerry should hold motivational seminars. Thousands of people and Edwin Poots, would attend, to find a purpose for their drab,wasted lives."
"Aah!" cried Tommy. "But would Gerry do it? You know Gerry is reticent to the point of taciturness."
"By the swampy oxters of Tubby Nolan, you are right Tommy," I yelped. "How can we unreticent Gerald Michael Anderson?"
"Stall the weddin'" yelled Tommy. "Trip the bride. What we need is a motivational speaker who will motivate Gerry into becoming a motivational speaker."
"You wee belter!" I cried. "Help yourself to another cream cracker. We need Beechy Colclough."
"When was the last time you saw Beechy Colclough?" said Tommy.
"Down at the old Bull and Bush!" I cried. "Beechy was talking down a wino who was standing on a small, three-legged stool, threatening to jump."
"SORTED!" yelled Tommy. "Beechy will motivate Gerry to be a motivational speaker and there will be blue birds over the white cliffs of Dover and men, not yet born, will cry with a muffled shriek, "HEY! let me out! It's wild dark in here!"
PS I Googled Beechy Colclough. What a bad boy he has been!
"Beechy, when was the first time you groped a patient?"
IS THERE A MAN ANYWHERE, WHO DOES NOT HAVE FEET OF CLAY?
Jordie??? GET BACK YEH BOY YEH!"