Shoes, Donkeys or Piles

Great show yesterday Kid. But what a lot of callers Mr Coyle threw at you. Tommy my cat, tied two pork pies to a homing pigeon's legs and released the bird towards the abode of Tubby Nolan. As Tommy washed his hands at the sink he said,
"Poor Gerry must feel like he is working in an Indian call centre."
"Hello. Hello. What can I do for you on this brilliant morning? Your husband won't work? Have you tried kicking him out of the house and then letting him in again? Brilliant! Amazing! Keep her lit!"
Suddenly, like the weather over the Mournes,Tommy's mood changed. His ears lay flat on his head and his tail was swishing from side to side. I let the hare sit. I knew he would speak in his own good time. Suddenly,Tommy spoke. He spun round, with the speed of a tracked digger and yelled,
"Why did that old tartar of a woman give Gerry such a hard time?"
"I frantically flipped through,"How To Answer A Question" by Nigel Dodds,but before I found the right page Tommy went on,
"What gives a woman like that the right to come on and vent her spleen at Gerry? I know behind your walrus moustache, lies the face of a woman. So come on. Tell me. Why would a woman act like that?"
"There are many reasons," I said. "Shoes that are too tight, the loss of a beloved donkey, or it may just be the pesky piles."
"Shoes, donkeys or piles," yelled Tommy. "It's no excuse for coming on the radio and acting the corner girl, the bully, the Jeremy Paxman. Who does she think she is, Nellie Pol Pot?"
"Gerry can take care of himself," I yelled. "Why don't you make like an ass and butt out."
"How dare you patronize me,".screamed Tommy. "If there's one think I hate more than patronizing, it's placation. So don't you dare try and placate me."
"I never touched your teeth," I yelled.
There then followed the usual fight between woman and cat, with lots of roaring, yelling and guldering, followed by a high speed dash through Belfast in a screaming ambulance.
One thing I will say about Tommy. The lad has a great left hook. You should see my battered and bent hooter!