Thick as Two Short Planks

Great show yesterday Kid,ashow by the way that is quickly becoming known as, LAW AND ORDER by the residents of the Malone Road. I recently met a blue rinsed, Malone Road Lady. Before I could speak she yelled, "YES! I do have net curtains AND knickers!"
I saw the net curtains but not her knickers,so we only have her word for it.
I suppose Mr Coyle is attending the Pol Pot school for dictators today. Recently Mr Coyle's wife came in with two pound of onions and said, "Sean,Sean dear,Thaddeus, can you hear me? What will I do with these onions?"
Mr Coyle threw the Beano from him,leaped to his feet and screamed, "Tie them up and hang them from the ceiling!"
I was washing my feet in the soup for today's dinner when Tommy my cat ran in.
"Read all about it!" yelled Tommy."Stalemate at Stormount. Read all about it. Stalemate at Stormount!"
"Stale meat at Stormount," I giggled. "That could lead to an outbreak of salmonella. The drains could be blocked for a month.and I went into a fit of giggling, that had to be seen to be appreciated.
Tommy ran out to the back yard,came back with two short planks and yelled, "Say hello to mummy!".
"How Dan Dare you!" I screamed."I will have you know that between the wars,I was crowned Miss Congeniality." and I ran to fetch my manure brown sash.
Tommy took one look and cried, "This sash does not say, Miss Congeniality, it spells out, Miss Congealed."
"What does-congealed mean?" I shrieked.
"It means thick," said Tommy. "You were crowned Miss Thick."
I thought about it for a while and said,"It could have been worse. I could have been crowned Miss Stupid, but never mind all that Tommy. How are the talks going up at Stormont?"
"There has been a partial break through," said Tommy, "with regard to the police and justice bill. The people have been granted policing but no justice."
"Hooray!" I yelled. "Half a loaf is better that no bread. The glass is half full. What comes down must have gone up and never look at a gift horse with your mouth."
"Thank you Miss Thick," said Tommy. And then for no reason,no reason at tall, Tommy bent the coal shovel over my alluring head.
Now, why would Tommy do that???