Where Will We Get Sanctuary?

Great show to start the week Kid, but in the midst of all the fun and frivolous frivolity, you slipped in a piece of bad news that has Tommy my cat and I rendering our garments and gnashing each other's teeth. After the great show, Tommy turned off the radio by cutting off its supply of electricity. He was shaking all over and his little face was ashen.
"Tommy," I said, "your little face is-ashen."
"Did you not hear what Gerry said?" screamed Tommy. "Is it any wonder that my little face is-ashen?"
"Two weeks," I whispered.
Tommy gave a frantic,feline yell and shrieked, "Two long,never-ending weeks will Gerry be away, leaving us in the hands of the cruel,tyrannical and unjust-Thaddeus."
The very name send a shiver down my back and a rivulet down my leg. By now Tommy had completely lost the head. The agitated feline was running in circles screaming,
"SANCTUARY! In the name of all that's holy, grant me SANCTUARY from Mr Coyle and his high octane, hard core diddly-dee."
I could see Tommy was in shock, so I sprang forward and slapped him hard on the cheek. I had to do it!
Tommy lifted his fist and punched me right up the hooter. Now,Tommy DIDN'T have to do that!
"Woe is me!" screamed Tommy. "I face a cataclysmic catastrophe and me only a lump of a cat."
"Nil Desperate-Dando!" I yelled and I ran to the phone and called old Jordie.
Old Jordie, he say-NO!
"NO!, I can not put you and Tommy up for two weeks," said the rugged son of the soil.
"The last time youse was here, youse scared all the wee animals and drank all my cooking sherry."
I looked at Tommy,shook what I laughingly call my head and said, "No room at the inn of the sixth happiness."
"We gotta get out of this place!" shrieked Tommy. "I know,we will hide in the wheel well of a Ryan air jet that's going to Lithuania. We can work as plumbers for two weeks and return home when Gerry gets back."
I glared at Tommy and said, "Have you any idea how much Michael O'Leary charges for hunkering in the wheel well of a Ryanar jet?"
Tommy sank to the floor and sobbed, "Then we're doomed, doomed. When daffodils bloom, birds sing and dung spreaders jam up roads and country lanes, you and I shall weep in the gloom as Mr Coyle plays-YET AGAIN!--"Come Down The Mountain Katie Daly."
I tried to call the Samaritans, but the phone lines were jammed.
What fear one little ricket-legged man can generate!..
And now for something completely repulsive.
"Make sure you wash my fragile pink oxters!" yelled Tubby Nolan.
"Tubby was sitting in a horse trough at the back of Nolan Manors getting ready for a Burn's night supper.
I held out a giant towel and cried, "Arise great Chieftain of the pudding race!" A crane lowered Tubby into his kilt and the fat boy was ready to get stuck into the tatties and neaps.
I watched as he threw his leg over his bicycle, (OH! Matron!) and cycled off, with a dirk stuck down his sock and a bar of Mars stuck behind his ear. As Tubby took a sharp right bend, his kilt got caught in the chain wheel and the oval one went derriere over bustier.
"NIGH! NIGH! NIGH! screamed Jim Rodgers, running out of a shop that sold herrings and Old Spice aftershave.
"JIM!" I roared. "JIM! JIM! JIM!--JIM!, Is Tubby all right?"
"His kilt, sporran, caber and wee breeks are fine!" screamed Jim,"but his tam-o-chanter is bent at a 45 degree angle and may require surgery."
"What about his BAWBEES?" I yelled
"Both bawbees intact!" screamed Jim,"a ten pence piece and an old Victorian penny."
"Good golly Miss Molly," I said to Molly Strangeways. "Tubby really has Scottish blood in his veins."
Molly Strangeways put down the primrose yellow anvil she was carrying,glared at me with her wooden eye and said, "See you Hi, you're a head case, so you are!"
I concurred and went home for custard and cream.