Famous Generals

What great shows you put on last week Kid,shows that sent the stock exchange soaring and crime figures tumbling. Did you know that muggings of one legged, red haired Swedish dwarfs fell by a staggering 99%?
The word in the hood is, that Steven Baldwin was flown from the Big Brother house to Derry, where he spent the weekend with Mr Coyle,praying,fasting and comparing hair shirts. On Saturday night both men were seen praying in the vicinity of the river Foyle. A futile attempt to walk on water ended, with both men squelching homewards with heavy sodden forks. When questioned by the PSNI, Mr Coyle is reported to have resorted to biblical sayings when he told the police to go forth and multiply!
I was busy tramping turnips to make a nice turnip wine, when Tommy my cat rushed in, threw his flat cap like a Frisbee on a hook and yelled,
"Baton down the hatches! Sinn Fein are gathered at an Ard Chomairle and may go for the nuclear option."
"Great balls of Firestone tyres!" I yelled. "Radiant, radical radiation will be the order of the day. We must take radical action."
Seven and a half minutes later, Tommy and I slipped out the back door disguised as Burke and Hare and bought two shovels. In the time it takes to ponder on the word, "Product" we had built an underground bunker. By the light of the silvery moon we dug a 60 foot hole. Then we veered right for five feet and began to dig upwards. Soon Tommy and I were as snug as a bug in a rug, in a chamber just two feet underground and just five feet away from the first hole. I would like to see the radiation that could follow that convoluted confusing trail. Tommy and I are no dopes. We had brought enough food and water to last us four hours. The only problem was, we had to climb the tunnel every twenty minutes to use the toilet! Tommy has a very weak bladder. He has never been the same since, Give My Head Peace was cancelled. I hope big Tim McGarry is proud of himself for taking the piss out of a poor innocent lump of a cat. Yeh, you're a big man McGarry, when you've got your gang with you. I challenge you to meet me outside the sex shop on Ann Street and buy me the whip and handcuffs in the window.
Two nights ago--or was it in 1964? I found myself with hands on my time, so I decided to phone Brain Box. The clue was, Famous Generals and the presenter was the petite Danielle Fearon. To my surprise I got through.
"Hello," said the lovely Danielle. "Who do we have on the line?"
"Me," I replied.
"And who is-me dear?" said Danielle.
"Me! myself," I said.
Danielle made a funny face and said,"And where are you phoning from dear?"
"From the toilet," I said. "I drank a big bottle of cream soda and took short. I was hefted Danielle,fair hefted."
Danielle made another funny face and threw up her hands. "The clue is, famous Generals" she said."What is your answer dear?"
I flushed the chain and yelled,"General Motors!"
"General Motors?" said Danielle.
"Let's see if it's on the board. NO! I'm sorry dear, General Motors is not on the board."
"General handyman!" I yelled.
"No,sorry dear," said Danielle.
"General nuisance!" I yelled. "General hospital. General meeting.General agreement. General dogsbody. General....."
"Listen dear," said Danielle, "you've had a good go. Now sling your hook dear, all right?"
"General Hook!" I roared.
But Danielle had hung up. Then some tube phoned in and said General Patton and won my spondulects.
Brain Box? More like Money Box if you ask me.
Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me? General store. General mayhem!.