What float's your boat?

Another week of great shows over," said Tommy my cat, as he removed nits from a wino's hair with a BB gun. I stood there all forlorn. Oh I was forlorn. I was a poster child for forlornness. My mouth was hanging, my arms were hanging and my very tonsils were hanging by a thread.

"No more great shows until Monday," I said-forlornly.

"Bummer Dude," said Tommy. "We will have to sit and watch rubbish like Strictly Come X-Factoring."

"Right on Dude," I said. "You're so right on dude."

Tommy gave himself a shake, sending fleas flying everywhere and cried, "Let's not be down hearted. Let's look back on the great shows and discuss content, mirth and how accessible they were for people on motorized, turbocharged commodes."

"Oh all right," I said, with great forlornness.

"You go first. What single segment from the great shows, stirred your gravy or floated your boat?"

Tommy pondered. His pondering is getting on my nerves.

"OH, I know!" cried Tommy, "Mr Coyle's dreams. I never knew that Mr Coyle slept!"

"Me neither," I cried. "I thought Mr Coyle's family stood him up in a corner with the floor mop until they came down in the morning."

Tommy looked at me and said, "What fluttered your flag or sprinkled your giblets with salt and pepper?"

I leaped out into the middle of the floor and began to sing,
"Oh, Jordie's a lumberjack and he's all right.
He can climb a tree in the bright moon light.

He can drink cooking sherry Be bright and merry
And go to the lav-at-or-ee.
He can dung out a bed

Shoot a fox in the head

And have buttered scones for tea."

"Mark my words," said Tommy, "if that story is not taken up and made into a film by Steven Spielberg, I will eat my dinner."

Now it was my turn to ponder. "But who," I yelled, "or indeed-whom, has the stature to play old Jordie?"

Tommy and I went into a double ponder. A double ponder is very dangerous. It can tear apart the very fabric and structure of the universe, but we were lucky and got away with it.

Suddenly Tommy and I leaped up and yelled, "EUREKA JOHNSON!" We had both come to the same conclusion. Sure, it would not be easy.Rules might have to be broken. But the only person to play Jordie Tuft was the late great Margaret Rutherford!

All this and more have I seen as Daniel O'Donnell stood admiring himself in a mirror and saying, "Even my mammy wouldn't recognise me now!"

"Come to bed, Dan," yelled Majella, "You're worse than auld Oscar Wilde!" OH MATRON!!!