Solid Favours

Great shows last week Kid. The shows covered a wide spectrum,ranging from a hell's angel 80 year old granny, who wanted to burn rubber on a tricycle, to the strange, weird, erotic, exotic sexual screams of Jordie Tuft.

When Jordie uttered his ear splitting mating yells, men cowered in their boots and women locked themselves in cupboards all over the province. Thanks to old Jordie, Ulster has a higher percentage of women in the closet than Papua New Guinea or even the more remote parts of McGillycuddy's Reeks! A statistic that I find truly mind boggling.

It will take time and patience to lure these women out of the closet. If you have a woman cowering in the cupboard in fear of old Jordie, do NOT resort to the stick. Try the carrot first. Tie a pair of high heel shoes to a piece of string. When your woman follows the shoes, slam the cupboard door shut and yell, "Ah my proud beauty, you have fallen into my trap!"

For the first few weeks, your woman will probably look under the bed, last thing at night, to make sure old Jordie is not lurking there. This is quite normal. Change all the locks in your house. Erect an anti Jordie electric fence around your home and your wee doat will soon be back to normal. Follow these simple procedures and in no time, your wee honey will be bossing you about like a dog.

I was standing with an onion on my head, pretending to be William Tell's daughter Deirdre, when Tommy, my cat, strolled in. He was wearing an off the shoulder simmet, a lovely pair of bullfinch yellow, high heel shoes and a striking pair of polka dot golfing slacks. Tommy looked good and he knew it. He threw me a Worthington toffee and said,

"Toodle pip old girl, I say, you do look rather common in that drab, grey, soup-stained, strait jacket and the bag apron tied around your pudgy waist."

I looked at Tommy and thundered, "Have you been ordering clothes out of the Kay's catalogue behind my back again?"

Tommy looked down his nose at me and said. "Yah, I have!"

"And have you been using my name to purchase clothes in the Kay's catalogue?" I roared.

Yah, I have," said Tommy.

"Thank goodness," I said. "I thought you had been given those clothes by strange men.

Remember the day you came home with a little pair of tangerine knickers and told me some strange man had given them to you?"

"I don't do that anymore," mumbled Tommy,

"I was going through a Kerry Katona phase. But thanks to Jim Rodgers and all the gang at Dave's cycle and repair shop, I have put those days behind me."

"Good lad," I said, "Remember, if you let a man buy you knickers, you will be beholden to him for the rest of your life."

Tommy picked up his squash racket and walked out with his head held low. After a lunch of spam, spam, spam, and spam substitute made from soya beans, I walked around Belfast dressed as Fanny Craddock's twin sister-Fanny May. I was merrily throwing hard boiled eggs at the heads of old age pensioners and singing, "The Girl Can't Help It."

As I passed an entry, I was just in time to see Tubby Nolan chase two grizzly bears away from the wheelie bins.

"Clear off!" yelled Tubby, "And don't come round here no more or you'll find yourselves in a turf war with me. Perhaps you don't know me. Well, let me introduce myself, the name is Nolan-Tubby Nolan and I have a licence to scavenge in these wheelie bins from Belfast city council."

Then Tubby spied me. His little eyes narrowed and he growled deep in his throat, "Steven!" I cried, "Lovely roly-poly Steven, it's me, your little playmate!"

The red mist left Steven's eyes and he mumbled,

"Oh, it's you. Listen! I want you to do me a solid."

"But, dear Steven," I tittered. "You must have done more-solids than anyone in Belfast."

"You don't understand!" yelled the oval one.

"To do a solid, is American slang for doing a favour. I learned that in Las Vegas-and it only cost me 20 grand."

"What a beautiful expression!" I tittered. What is this-solid you want me to do? Where do I do the-solid and whom do I do the-solid on-or to?"

"I want you to go to the Greek," said Tubby,

"and tell him I will not be at the gym today, because I have a-groin strain."

"Oh Matron!" I yelped. I blushed as red as Jack The Ripper's knife and said, "OH Steven, how did you strain your massive mighty, lovely groin?"

"Last night," said Steven, "As I lay in my fourteen poster bed. I felt a strange urge come over me.

It was an urge that could not be ignored. So I laid down my book, "The History of Chocolate" leaned out of my bed and made a frantic grab for my....."

"PO!" I yelled, "You made a frantic grab for your po!"

"I did NOT!" yelled Tubby, "I made a frantic grab for my vanity mirror. Before I go to sleep at night, I like to look at my pink, chubby face in a mirror. But in my haste to view my beautiful visage, I leaned over too far and fell out of bed. straining my groin and squashing the lovely po I got from radio 5. I loved that po." said Tubby, "It was a present from Vicky and bore the inscription, "To Steve, who did me a big solid."

All this and more have I seen as Paul Clarke ran like a whippet to fetch Lynda Byrons a rhubarb and ginger ice lolly. Apparently Lynda asked Paul to do her a-solid!

KID! do me a solid and play Lulu singing-"SHAITE!!! For the lovely Linda McCauley.