Saving Coyle

What a great show to start the week Kid. The music was bearable and none of the callers were drunk, but it was plain to see that all had drink taken.

Yesterday was a red letter day. It was a day that people will look back on as a watershed.

It is not often that one has the chance to see a man in the middle of a full blown midlife crisis.

But as Mr Coyle babbled on and on about the call of the sea, I looked at Tommy my cat and said, "This is serious."

"It sure is!" yelled Tommy. "Mr Coyle is turning into the ancient mariner right before our eyes."

I picked up my mobile phone and called Mr Coyle.

The lad had the cheek to do a Prime Minister James Callaghan on me.

"Crisis?" he roared. "What Crisis?"

It was then I sent for the "Gang".

Soon Lynda Byrons, Jim Rodgers, Tubby Nolan and Michael McGimpsey sat in a circle round my square kitchen table.

"There's nothing wrong with Coyle!" roared Tubby Nolan. "A good riser would stop all this going to sea malarkey."

"Poor wee Sean," said Lynda. "Could we not club together and buy him a wee boat to play in the bath with?"

"We're all doomed," said Michael McGimpsey.

"Give Coylers a good riser!" yelled Tubby.

"A hard boiled egg might help," said Lynda.

"Only if it's happed of Coyle's big head!" roared Tubby.

"Man born of woman is doomed to die," said Michael McGimpsey.

It was little Tommy who came up with a solution.

"Listen up you lot," said Tommy. "It is clear to see that Mr Coyle has fallen under the influence of the sea. We must remove the sea from Mr Coyle's life. So on Saturday, I propose that we all go up to Derry. We take our holiday buckets and spades and we divert the Atlantic ocean away from Derry."

"NIGH, NIGH, NIGH!" screamed Jim Rodgers. "How long would this job take?"

"Oh, about half an hour if we all pitch in," said Tommy.

The resolution was passed by a show of feet. So Kid, why not turn out on Saturday with your bucket and spade. It's for a good cause. If Mr Coyle is to retain his sanity, the Atlantic ocean must be diverted away from Derry. Bring a pair of wellies and a flask of hot nitroglycerin.