Aliens are out there.

Hi Kid, your great show yesterday- and it grieves me to say this, was marred by Mr Coyle and his vulgar, flamboyant, flagrant and it must be said, vile and repulsive yells of-COOEE!. Who told Mr Coyle he had a licence to cry-COOEE? Did he not know the children were not at school?. Does Mr Coyle want to start a pandemic of-COOEEING.? Perhaps that's how Mr Coyle gets his kicks, corrupting young minds with his hedonistic, libertine cries of-COOEE.

Does Mr Coyle want to let it all hang out and bring the country to its knees? Tommy my cat was so distraught, he had to be laid suppine on a surf board and carried to bed by Jim Rodgers, Lulu and Lynda Byrons.

And I can tell Mr Coyle that Lynda Byrons was most distressed by Mr Coyle's hippy, new age cries of-COOEE! Lynda was VERY angry, as angry as a bag of rusty spanners. Lynda has children you know and could well do without this sort of behaviour. Begone Sir and take your obnoxious-COOEE with you!

Tommy my cat and I watched the Friday Show from behind the sofa. Sure the affable, portly presenter looked and sounded like Eamon Holmes, but Tommy and I knew better. We both knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we were looking at Tubby Nolan! Tubby is everywhere! The man is like a virus and there is no known antidote.

"How did he do it?" shrieked Tommy. "How did the oval one take over the body of Eamon Holmes?"

"The truth is out there!" I yelled. "And the truth out there is that Tubby Nolan is an alien!"

"An alien?" screamed Tommy. "By Ghandi's sacred Daz washed nappy, I think you are right."

"You can always tell an alien," I said. "by their boastful bragging. Does not Tubby Nolan keep roaring, "Biggest show in the country!" "I once met an alien," I said, "in a car park in Ballymena. The little green villain tried to sell me a second-hand flying saucer.

"Take a look at her," he said. "Only 600 million light years on the clock and still got the plastic covers on the seats. Go on, give the magnetic pulseater a kick. Take her for a spin round the galaxy."

"Did you buy her?" said Tommy.

"I did NOT!" I said. "I met a man selling a 25 year old Lada for £29. I bargained him up to £5,000 and that Lada took me to the city limits of Ballymena before it fell apart. I then got a bus home and gloated over my good fortune."

"It would take a right fool to put one over on you," said Tommy.

"Right on Bro!" I yelled, giving Tommy a high five, a middling three and a very low one.

All this and more have I seen as Frank Mitchell counted down the ten best commandments.

I thought, Thou shall not covet thy neighbour's ass would have been much higher. I suppose it all depends on your priorities.

Turned out nice again. Think I'll frolic and gambol in the Autumnal bracken and yell-"COOEE" to bald headed cyclists.