DEEP PONDERS

The top of the morning to you Kid. As the people of Tibet say when they walk their yaks in the morning.

For three days Tommy my cat had been in a pondering mood. It was the deepest ponder I have every seen Tommy in. Suddenly a long life light bulb appeared above Tommy's head. Tommy yelled, "SPINNAKERS and SATELLITES!" and shrieked,"If the great shows Gerry puts on this week are as great as the great shows he put on last week, then they will indeed be-great shows."

"Tommy!" I cried. "That three day ponder was worth every penny you paid for it at the ponder shop. The logical statement you have just uttered is right up there with Proust, Voltaire and wee Deirdre Rickerbacker, who lives with her mother, works in the knicker factory and is saving up to buy a whippet."

"I like wee Deirdre," says Tommy. "Wee Deirdre makes exceedingly good gussets."

"Deirdre's gussets are the talk of town and country," I said.

"Wherever woman gather to talk about knickers, you can rest assured that wee Deirdre's gussets will give reason for much oohing and aahing."

Then! as if in answer to a prayer, a lorry load of zinc buckets fell off just outside our house. Tommy and I yelled, " Brian Brue, don't get swine flu!" and we clasped hands and danced the milkmaid from Ballymena.

Ah, Irish dancing! What would we do without it? It's the reason toes were invented!

Next morning, when hiking the highway, I got a flat shoe. I must have trod on a nail or a discarded pioneer pin. "Drat!" I said to a rat. "How am I going to get home NIGH?" But help was at hand. The people of Belfast are all heart. Who pulled up but Lynda Byrons. Lynda was driving a lovely wee blue Massey Ferguson with a link box behind.

Lynda daintily stepped down from the tractor. She was wearing a lovely, gauze, pink, off the shoulder evening dress and a pair of green wellies and said, "Having a wee spot of trouble?"

"Yes I is Lynda," I stammered.

"I often walk this road. I am,- I am, OH, I forget what I am, but I know it starts with a P."

Lynda felt my nose, examined my teeth and said, "You don't look like a protestant."

"I'm not," I said, "I'm a pedestrian."

"Never mind," said Lynda, "We'll soon have you on your way."

Lynda went to the link box behind the wee Fergie and soon she had my left leg jacked up in the air.

"There you are now strange, weird, creature," said Lynda. "You're as good as new. Have a nice wee day."

"Oh Lynda!" I cried. "Oh Lynda, Lynda, Lynda, how can I ever thank you?"

Lynda flashed the lights and a smile at me and replied SO-sweetly..

"Just keep on watching UTV LIVE and tell all your friends that an egg a day helps you work, rest and play."

And then---Lynda was gone, leaving only the scent of Charlie, or was it Shughie?, lingering in the Autumnal air.

On the last day. When God separates the doats from the goats, Lynda Byrons will be standing proudly at the head of the wee doats.

All this and more have I seen as the green knight, Martin McGuinness and the orange knight, Peter Robinson joust at Stormount-The Camelot of Ulster.Fighting day and night over something that everyone else has forgotten about.

Them two boys need to go for a good long walk, or join a youth club to channel their aggression.

Did not the Pope AND James Young BOTH say.

"Stap fightin!'