The UUP Grand National.

Great shows last week kid, which spurred on Irish mountaineer, Timmy Tucker from Trillick, as he struggled to climb Mount Everest with an Ikea, flat pack, cement mixer strapped to his back.
When Timmy, reached the summit he planned to build a giant statue of Padre Pio, standing with his arms out-stretched. Timmy giggled when he thought how mad the Dali Lama would be.
"I'll put the Zen out of the wee saffron boy," laughed Timmy.
Tommy my cat, swung round from the fire where he had been heating his feline fork and said,
"SO it's just going to be a two horse race in the upcoming UUP grand national. The favourite at the moment is Mike Nesbitt. Name recognition is a big plus for Mike. The other dark horse is, John McAllister.
Not much is known about John. No one has ever heard of him. Even his own mother, when asked how she thought her son would do in the election, gave a shriek and cried, "Our John? Are you sure it's, our John?"
"Tommy!" I yelled. "Put on a Jeremy Paxman face and highlight the political differences between the two contenders. Pretend you are interviewing John McAllister and Mike Nesbitt." Tommy, changed into a grey suit, put a sour gub on him and said,
"Well Mr McAllister, it's all falling apart, isn't it? No one knows you. You seem to be, Mr Nobody!"
"Not at all Mr Paxman, the reality is, I am quite well known by some members of my own family."
"What are your policies Mr McAllister? Suppose by some miracle you were elected the leader of the UUP, what would you do first?"
"I'm glad you asked me that question Mr Paxman. When I am elected leader, I will lead the UUP party into opposition.".
"Opposition to-what Mr McAllister?"
"Everything! Mr Paxman. When I am leader, the UUP party will oppose everything, everybody, and sit in a darkened room singing, "Nobody loves you when you're down and out".
"Go away Mr McAllister! Mr Nesbitt,I had high hopes for you. You could have been another ME! You could have been a contender. Where did it all go wrong Mr Nesbitt?"
"Au contraire Jeremy, when I am elected leader of the UUP, I will rejuvenate the party and stir the grass roots. Under my leadership young, sprightly, sixty year olds will be queueing up join the party."
"Come, come, Mr Nesbitt that's what Trimble, Empey and old Tom Elliott said. What have you got that makes you different from former leaders?"
"Well, Jeremy, I have dedication, enthusiasm, honesty and the finest flock of chickens this side of the river Bann."
"Well there you have it ladies and gentlemen. Who will lead the UUP? McAllister or Nesbitt? Quite frankly, I don't care. In my, far from humble opinion, the UUP are doomed to years of in-fighting, back stabbing and bickering, and will go gurgling down the drain in ever decreasing circles."
"Bravo Tommy!" I yelled. "That Paxman impersonation was so good I could feel the arrogance and superiority ooze out of you."
Tommy looked out the window at the little match girl and said, "Leadership of the UUP is a poisoned chalice. Many have fallen by the wayside, never to rise again. David Trimble was last seen prowling the house of Lords muttering, "Is this a dagger I see before me?" Sir Reg Empey, a brave and noble knight, has disappeared! Some say he has a hog farm in Utah, others say he dances every night at a certain venue under the name of, Valentino McGinty. Tom Elliott, poor old Tom Elliott, is a broken man. He sits alone in the barn, playing blues harmonica and watching out for political intrigue among his cows."
"Poor Mike Nesbitt!" I screamed. "All alone on the bridge of the Titanic, yelling "10% Starboard!" not knowing his ship has already been holed below the water line."
"The omens are not good," said Tommy. "Mike Nesbitt threw his hat into the ring on the ides of March!!"
"The Scottish play that shall not be named!" I shrieked.
"Ah, you talk of-Macbeth! said Tommy. At that moment the Gods turned against us. Jim Rodgers and Tubby Nolan appeared in our doorway. Jim was screaming, "NIGH! NIGH! NIGH!" and the fat boy was singing,
"FOOD! glorious FOOD!"
"DOOMED!" cried Tommy, as he leaped into my arms and burst into tears.
Will it? Will it all end in-TEARS??????