No Farmer Tom To Kick Around Now?

Great shows last week kid. Great shows which should be produced as a boxed set and inflicted on the poor, unsuspecting public.
Speaking from his home in Lisburn, retired balloon-blower-upper, Sheriff McGinty said, "Yes, it is true, I am an expert on great shows. The great shows I heard last week, were, in my humble opinion, the greatest shows I have ever heard."
When asked about the swift departure of UUP leader, Tom Elliott, Mr McGinty slammed the door and yelled through the letter box, "You can't pin that on me! I was at home all night with a girl from an escort agency. You ain't pinning that on me! I know nothing about that man, Tom Elliott."
Tommy my cat, stood on a soap box and roared, "Ladies and gentlemen, in the up coming race for leader of the UUP, I am offering 7/4 Mike Nesbitt, 3/1 Basil McCrea and one zillion to two on David McNarry."
I pulled a Wells Fargo safe out of my pocket and cried, "I'll have a monkey on Nesbitt, a pony on McCrea and diddly-squat on McNarry."
Tommy gave a wicked grin a licence to play over his face and said, "Sorry, I can't accept diddly squats. The Dow Jones predicts, that by two minutes past four today, the bottom will have fallen out of the diddly squat currency."
"Freddy Mac and Fanny Hill!" I yelled, as in a panic, I ran home, grabbed all the diddly squats from under the mattress and sprinted to the bank to exchange them for spondulicks.
I looked at Tommy as he put the final touches to a beautiful, charcoal drawing of Lord Nelson's father, Full Nelson, yes, Nelson's daddy was a bit of a newt and said, "Will he go for it?"
Tommy wiped his hands on my tongue and said, "Will whom go for what?"
"Leadership of the UUP," I cried. "Will Mike Nesbitt, throw his hat, cap, or bonnet into the ring?"
"Leading the UUP," said Tommy, "is like minding mice at Captain Terence O'Neill's crossroads. The UUP, is a divided party. The UUP has more splits than the Bolshoi Ballet.".
"If that be the case," I yelled,"why do they call themselves, the UNITED! Ulster Party?"
"A misnomer if every there was one," replied Tommy.
"Leave wee Miss Nomer alone," I cried. "She's only trying to make a living. I saw her last night, standing under a lamp post, smoking a fag and bothering no one."
Tommy ignored me, looked out the window at the muffin man and said, "The upcoming election will be dirty in the extreme. Name calling will reach epidemic proportions. God help any man whose father, OR, grandfather, ever attended a Gaelic match, was seen in the vicinity of a chapel or cavorting at a gay pride march!"
I yanked out my last remaining wisdom tooth and screamed, "It's a battle for hearts and minds!"
Tommy, coughed up a fur ball and said, "Think of Ulster as a slaughter house. The best bits of meat are fought over by the DUP and Sinn Fein. What the UUP and the Alliance party get is meat that has been hoovered up from the dirty floor."
"Sausages and pies!" I roared. "It's awful that the UUP and the Alliance party are left with awful offal."
"In my opinion," said Tommy,"I think Mike Nesbitt, should bide his time. Let the hare sit. Let some other fool lead the UUP and THEN, leap in as the saviour of the party, the country and democracy."
"I concur!" I yelled. "To Mike I say, chuckie are lah!
And Mike's chickens will be soooo pleased. They look up to Mike as a role model and a father figure."
"So let it be written," yelled Tommy. "So let it be done!"
Are you happy now UUP'ers, you don't have farmer Tom Elliott, to kick around?????