What Is A Pantomime?

Great shows last week kid. Great shows which caused bubbly Tom Elliott and exciting, interesting, Alasdair McDonnell to exchange early Christmas presents.
Alasdair McDonnell gave Tom Elliott a a ventriloquist's dummy to deliver his sparkling, witty speeches and bubbly Tom gave exciting, interesting Alasdair a torch without batteries. Martin McGuinness and Peter Robinson exchanged dinky toys and David Ford bought himself a Pete Seegar record. (My comb-over is blowing in the wind)
Tommy my cat grabbed me by the lapels of my Harris tweed leotard and yelled, "HEY ugliness personified, what is a pantomime?"
I kissed my wickerwork, death mask of Peter Stringfellow and said,
"A pantomime is income support for actors, comedians and singers who have fallen on hard times. Kindly people go round old folks' homes pulling old relics out of their bed and saying, "Come with me. I have a job for you, which will keep you in bedsocks and peppermint sweets."
The old, burnt-out stars hitch up their rubber pants and croak, "What will I have to do? I was big in the 30s you know."
The kind-hearted people wipe away a tear and answer, " Pick up your catheter and follow me. YOU are going to star in a pantomime. All you have to do is shout, "Oh no it isn't!" and, "He's behind you!"
"I can do that," croak the old relics. "Oh no!, he isn't behind you! How was that?" "It's good," said the kind Samaritan, "but not right."
"HEY! I used to say that," says old Roy Walker, "a long, long, time ago."
"So," said Tommy, rubbing my chin, "a pantomime is out-of-door relief for faded stars. Just one more question," said Tommy, snapping the Harris tweed fork on my leotard, "why do the geese fly South in Winter?"
"Because it's quicker than walking," I answered.
Tommy grabbed a bass drum and went, BOOM! BOOM!
Belfast was a Winter wonderland as Tommy and I strolled round Shaftsbury Avenue dressed as Paul Daniels and the lovely Debbie McGee. Drunken Santas were puking into litter bins. Small, pale faced urchins, with little, white faces on them like snowdrops were running about with bowls crying, "MORE! Please sir, I want MORE!" Girls, wearing very short mini-skirts were followed by leering old codgers singing, "Ding dong merrily on high." Tubby Nolan, was dancing around dressed as a giant turkey. "Holy God!" said a wee woman. "How would you like to have to stuff THAT?"
"Don't worry about that wee woman!" roared big Jim McDowell. "That turkey is called Tubby Nolan and he's been stuffing himself for years."
"Hang on Ethel," said the wee woman to her friend. "I have to run home and go to the foot of our stairs!!!"