How To Look Absolutely Divine and Mysterious.

Great show yesterday kid. A great show which caused fierce consternation at the Northern Ireland bird-watchers' club in Plumbridge. Old Dicky "bird" Santana, lost the plot, went haywire and ran out and ringed a young lady who was waiting for a bus. "She's a bird ain't she?" screamed old Dicky as he was taken away to be plugged into the national grid. Old Dicky's wife, big Pansy said, "I can't understand it. He's usually so quiet, even when I hit him with the coal hammer."
I was sitting in front of my vanity mirror, ironing my face, when Tommy my cat sauntered into the room. Tommy looked immaculate in a chocolate-brown, swallow-tailed coat and an emerald-green posing pouch. Tommy looked at me, boaked and said, "Any beauty that was once in that old wrinkled face has long departed, obliterated by time, cigarettes, booze and your penchant for sniffing the exhausts of buses."
"I love the smell of diesel in the morning," I cried. "I have often run three miles with my hooter in close proximity to an exhaust. The bus drivers call me, @the old bag, with her honk up the exhaust'. But don't just stand there Tommy, like Alasdair McDonnell caught in the headlights of a car. Make haste and fetch the sander to remove the laughter lines which criss-cross my face like spaghetti junction." As Tommy tottered out of the room on 8 inch heel, pink stilettos I drank a mug of Doctor Quacker's fountain of youth elixir. It must be good. It was advertised in Exchange and Mart!
I never looked up as Tommy returned. Suddenly all the lights went out. Tommy pulled a coal bag over my head and laughed. "Now, you look absolutely divine, beautiful and mysterious. Soon gentlemen will be saying, "Who is that beauty with a coal bag over her head?"
Oh how we laughed!!!
Later at lunch which consisted of chops, mashed potatoes and 17 green peas, Tubby Nolan came in with a hammond organ under his oxter. Tubby flexed his fingers and went right into, "Jesus is my parachute, so I will never fall. Just like Humpty Dumpty I may topple from a wall. But I'll get right back on my feet, and so I tell you all. Jesus is my parachute, so I will never fall."
Without a word Tubby picked up the organ and departed. A strange man and yet-I feel myself strangely drawn to him. It's either love, or gravity!!!!