Sammy's Brilliant Skit.

Great shows last week kid. Great shows which provided much needed material for end of the pier comedian, Cheeky Sammy Wilson. Sammy has been low on patter recently, resorting at times to old gags about the troubles, mother-in-laws and knock-knock jokes. But, in his defence, Sammy did do a brilliant skit at the recent DUP conference about new SDLP leader Alisdair McDonnell's fear of bright lights.
"Alisdair McDonnell would make a great air raid warden!" laughed Sammy. "I can see him walking up the Falls Road shouting, "PUT OUT THAT LIGHT! PUT OUT THAT LIGHT!" And wee Alex Attwood running after him shouting, "NO! LET THERE BE LIGHT! LET THERE BE LIGHT! And what about poor Jim Allister?" said Sammy. "Aye what about poor Jim Allister missus? There he sits in Stormount, like the Ancient Mariner, spouting gloom, doom and despondency. A face on him like a bulldog chewing a wasp. A face on him like a Taig at the 12th of July. A face on him like David Ford at a Catweezle convention. Ah, poor wee Jim. It's not really his fault. When Jim was a baby, his mother, a very short sighted woman, used to powder his bum with a well known breakfast cereal. Wee Jim would sit in his playpen all day wearing a nappy, crying from one end and going snap, crackle and pop from the other end. So, don't blame him, life turned him that way."
Then, to the delight of middle-aged women from stout, hardy, farming stock, Sammy stuck a ferret down the front of his baggy trousers and finished with a soft, shoe shuffle. Poor Edwin Poots, was greeted with scorn and derision when he tried and failed to juggle three oranges while singing, "God Save The Queen."
"GET OFF you slabberer!" yelled a farmer from Tyrone. It was left to Nigel Dodds to rescue the show with a brilliant display of magic, which left the audience spellbound. When Nigel produced two eggs from his ears, the crowd went frantic. Gasps filled the hall as Nigel, with a little smile on his face, put the eggs behind his back, yelled, "CARAMBA!" removed his hands from behind his back, opened his fists and revealed two, empty, eggless hands.
"Where in tarnation did the eggs go?" muttered the crowd. The farmer from Tyrone roared, "Thon boy must have stuck them two eggs up............."
The stewards rushed in, there was a bit of a scuffle, and the Tyrone farmer was thrown out on his ear.
Tommy my cat is away giving evidence to the Levinson Inquiry. Tommy took umbrage to a headline in the Cullybaccy Chronicle which stated,
"Cat running across the road causes catastrophe! Catamaran careers carelessly, catapultin Catholic curate into caravan!" Watch the news tonight and see Tommy get stuck into the print media!