The Whole Town Is Talking.

Great show yesterday kid.
A great show which brought a smile to the cheeks of a naked man bent over looking for moths by the side of the M1. Well, that's what he told the police.
If moths are eating your clothes, do what I do, dress in cheap polyester.
After your great show I was sitting staring at the wall, which was staring angrily back at me. Tommy my cat was twiddling a pair of thumbs he had found outside a pub.
Suddenly, Wendy Austin shrieked,
"Do you believe that capital punishment is too good for smokers?"
"NO!" I yelled, lighting up two Benson and Hedges and running to check on my secret stash of illegal Lambert and Butler king size. I looked at Tommy who was softly singing,
"4,000 holes in Blackburn Lancashire."
Tommy stopped singing and said,
"Did you know the whole town is talking about you?"
"Are they?" I said.
"Yes they are," said Tommy. "The whole town is talking, pointing, laughing and sneering at-you."
"Are they?" I said.
"Yes they are," said Tommy. "The whole town is talking, pointing, laughing and sneering at you,24/7."
"Why is the whole town talking, pointing, laughing and sneering at me?" I asked.
"Because of your appearance," said Tommy.
"When was the last time you bent down to look at your reflection in a dirty, muddy, puddle hole?"
"NEVER!" I yelled. "My late daddy was dragged into a puddle hole by something horrible with tentacles."
"Let me put it in a nut shell," said Tommy.
"NO!" I roared. "The last time you did that,I thought you would never stop crying."
"You need help," said Tommy. "But who can we turn to? Gok Wan,or Trinny and Suzanne wouldn't touch you with a barge pole,neither would Thelma or Louise.
You're all bent out of shape," said Tommy. "You're like a condemned building, ready to topple over any minute. You need to be broken down and reassembled. I'm taking you to Harland and Wolff."
So, here I lie in dry dock. It's not too bad. The crack is good. Oh bananas and buttercups, here comes wee Sammy with a rivet gun.
"Get back yeh boy yeh! No man has been in that locality since the night Barry McGuigan beat Eusebio Pedroza for the world, featherweight boxing championship at Loftus Road stadium."
Barry's fight went the distance. I went down in round one.