Election Fever

Great shows last week kid.
Great shows which helped to keep people grounded as election fever swept through Ulster like a gorse fire.Many people, overcome with election fever threw off their clothes, painted their face with woad and drove the wrong way around round-a-bouts yelling, "Tom Elliott is the personification of silver-tongued charisma!"
Tommy my cat took another handful of Valium and yelled, "Nigel Dodds, Margaret Richie, David Ford, Edwin Poots, Jim Allister, old uncle Tom Elliott and all, hit me with your rhythm stick! Hit me! Hit me! Hit MEEEEEEEEE!"
"GONE and never called me mother!" I screamed, as the orphaned Tasmanian devil I had been fostering leaped over the half door and sprinted off towards the Falls Road.
"You should have checked its religion!" yelled Tommy.
"It's plain to see you were fobbed off with a catholic Tasmanian devil, who is sitting now downing pints in the Felons' club."
"I should have known," I sobbed. "He had a photograph of Celtic football club in his cardboard box."
"Next time," said Tommy, "get an orange dodo, very loyal and with a little patience will happily whistle, "God Save the Queen."
"That's my kind of dodo!" I yelled, as I put on a coat of paint and headed for a certain place.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is Charlie Witherspoon.I am standing in Liam O'Flattery's soiled and second-hand sock shop. This is the beating heart of the city. From here I can hear the clish-clash of language from cliques of clueless tourists.
THE AMERICANS. "Gee Hank, I never knew Belfast was so small. One cruise missile would take out the entire city."
THE JAPANESE. "Ah so! Velly ancient civilisation. Eat soda bread and pray to big God Titanic."
THE RUSSIANS. "Plenty vodka, plenty, how's your pappa."
CO TYRONE. "Get back Willie John, get back! That big motor nearly run you over, so it did."
A strolling monster appears. All ears hark.
(Cue Tubby Nolan)
"I have often walked down this street before.
But the pavements never crumbled beneath my feet before."
THE AMERICANS. "Gee Ethel, that is BIG! We ain't got nothing at home like THAT!"
THE JAPANESE. "Ah so! Big sumo Godzilla!"
THE RUSSIANS. "Run! It's a Russian bear!"
CO TYRONE. "Stand it Willie John. That boy would eat you as sure as my name is Barney Francie McSpalter."
And so we leave Belfast and go home to curl up like a foetus and cry, cry, cry.
And the tears I cried for that Tubby
Would flood you big river
So I'm gonna sit down here until I die!"
It's a strange fact, but dead men are very good singers!