BEWARE THE CAT!

Great show yesterday kid.
A great show which proved beyond all reasonable doubt, if you multiphy the square root of the hysterical hydrogenous by eleven and a half, add five, divide by one,multiply by two, divide by one again, stir in a little Bisto and leave to settle overnight at room temperature the answer is always the same... a cable stitched, mauve cardigan with one sleeve longer that the other.
I know! You could have knocked me down with a feather too!
Once upon a time only three people in the world could solve Fermat's last theorem. The three were, Professor Max Shidner from Switzerland, myself and Tommy my cat.
NOW! thanks to the calculator, the very dogs in the street can work it out and talk of little else.
I looked at Tommy my cat plucking his lute in a darkened recess of the room and said,
"Tommy, why has every cat got a mysterious, I'm better than you look on its face?"
"Because cats are BETTER that you," replied Tommy. "Can you see in the dark? Can you fall from a great height and land on your feet? Have you the patience to crouch for seven hours by a mouse hole? NO!" yelled Tommy. "The answer is undoubtedly--NO! Beware the cat! The cat is a creature of the night. I can read your mind and see every sin on your old black soul."
I pondered furiously on my Ikea triangular chair and said,
"There is something you can do that I can do even better. I can sit with my leg in the air and lick my............."
"You disgusting, repulsive, dirty old ratbag!" yelled Tommy,as he put on scarf, gloves and padded parkka and went out to face the horror's of an Ulster Summer.
"My thumb Tommy!" I yelled. "I can sit with my leg in the air and lick my thumb!"
Too late, Tommy was gone! Instead of worrying about it, I conjured up an imaginary enemy and was soon rolling around the floor in an imaginary fight to the death.
"Who won?" I hear you ask.
I'll give you a clue.It was ME!