100% Bunkum

Great show yesterday kid.
Take a bow kid, the great show you put on yesterday helped in no small way to save the life of wee Paddy Fiesta. As you know wee Paddy had fallen off a 500 foot cliff. Only for the fork of his trousers getting snagged on a piece of rusty barbed wire he would have fallen to certain death.
The rescue boys arrived and advised wee Paddy to, "Keep Calm".
18 hours later they returned and pulled him to safety. When asked by a furious Paul Clarke of UTV Live why the rescue had taken so long, a man who was obviously wearing a wig,explained a colony of rare nesting birds had to be moved first in case Paddy fell on them.
The first thing wee Paddy asked for,when his feet were once more on terra firma, was a cup of strong tea and a po. It is men like wee Paddy who make Ulster what is is, a nation of drunks!
Paddy later confided to the Sunday World, "When I fell off the cliff I wasn't drunk, but I had drink taken."
Paddy's trousers now hang beside a holy well in a remote part of Donegall and pilgrims come from all over the world and grab and tug at the fork of wee Paddy's trousers hoping for a miracle. So far, no joy!
"That story," said Tommy my cat,"is-bunkum, 24 caret, 100% bunkum. Like Mr Coyle, I don't believe a word of it. You had better watch yourself. You are turning into a right Gerald Michael Anderson. BUNKUM!!!"
"You doubting pussy," I yelled,"which part of the story do you not believe?"
"The part about the fork of the trousers," roared Tommy."Anyone with a titter of wit knows you need a VERY special certificate from Stormount AND a signed letter from the Pope himself before you can take a sacred relic, like the fork of Paddy's trousers,into another jurisdiction."
"The trousers were smuggled over the border at night," I yelled,"with nine bullock calves, half a ton of Stork margarine, six Linfield jerseys and a remixed CD of Daniel O'Donell's, "Moon Over Ireland."
"BUNKUM!" yelled Tommy.
And the horrible feline hit me right up the forehead with a bronze bust of Hannibal the cannibal.
What are the chances of that happening to a crazy,hazy,lazy,old ratbag?