Perks

Great shows this week kid.
Tommy my cat peeped out at me from the Ann Summer's drawer and said,
"So, Mr Coyle is climbing the corporate ladder with a new extended show. The word in the hood is,that Ken Doherty hammered a steel spike into the ground behind radio Foyle,so Mr Coyle could chain his 1952 Raleigh bicycle to it."
"PERKS!" I cried. "Mr Coyle is receiving perks from the BBC. Today a steel spike, tomorrow, red braces, better known in the Bogside as galluses,and his own special monogrammed toilet paper with a likeness of Charlie Landsborough printed on it."
The lad's on his way up," said Tommy. "Why, he's only a hop, skip and shuffle away from Newsnight or How clean is your Cesspit?"
And so we leave Mr Coyle and move on to Tubby Nolan.
I couldn't believe it! There,in the middle of a circle of Japanese tourists was Tubby Nolan demonstrating,in graphic detail,how elephants pluck leaves from trees with their trunk.
"PUT IT AWAY!" I yelled."PUT IT AWAY!"
Tubby picked up his little Henry the hoover, grabbed the flexible hose and slunk off in a huff.
"AH-SO!" said a Japanese tourist.
"Yes," I said sadly."Ah-so, belly, thighs and face all made from 100% Ulster lard."
"Make velly good sushi," said an old, withered Kamikaze pilot with 627 successful missions behind him.
"Clear off Honda," I yelled,"or I'll book you a one-way ticket home on Ryan Air!"
The old Kamikaze fell to his knees screaming,
"NO! NO! HARI-KARI, BUT NO RYAN AIR!"