Rubber ducks

Great shows last week kid,great shows which laid the foundations and set out a road map for peace and prosperity for everyone corralled within the borders of Ulster.
We,the people of Ulster are not like other people. We are dour,sour,hard-headed and,it has to be said, thick. We prefer the stick to the carrot. We have no hesitation in cutting off our nose to spite our face,and by golly, both sides of the house can march up and down ,round and round. No other nation clocks up as many marching miles as the people of Ulster. We will march at the drop of a black bowler hat,or the shrill cry from a jail,
"Nothing matters Mary when you're free!"
But we could be worse, I say we could be worse. We could stand kicking our heels at street corners,picking our nose and smoking Woodbine like the natives of Papua,New Guinea do on a regular basis.
I looked at Tommy my cat lying in a bubble bath squeezing his rubber duck. Tommy gazed through the curtain of steam and said,
"I say old girl,I do declare I could live on bread and water if I had great shows."
I mounted a brindle water buffalo called Rick and yelled,
"Great shows don't just happen. Great shows have to be planned. The greatest exponents of great shows were the Romans and Barnum and Bailey."
"Ah, I know Barnum and Bailey," said Tommy. "Did they not fall in with a chap called Cromwell and form the BBC?"
"Get out of that bubble bath!" I yelled. "Get out of that bath and while we're on the subject,there has been a deal too much rubber duck squeezing going on under the water for my liking."
"How dare you brand me a rubber duck squeezer!" cried Tommy. "I stick to the rules of bubble bathers everywhere. The number of times one can squeeze one's rubber duck in a bubble bath is set at five and I have never, never exceeded that number."
"Liar, liar pants on fire!" I yelled. "I have been watching you my fine,feathered friend and I will swear in any court in the land that you,Tommy cat,squeezed your rubber duck a total of SEVEN times."
"Lies, damn lies and the Stylistics!" roared Tommy.
THEN! Jim Rodgers leaped over a woman dressed as a red, furry tomato, landed in the middle of the room and screamed,
"Nigh, Nigh, NIGH! Great news. After an all night sitting in Brussels, British Prime Minister David Cameron has won a history-making concession. From midnight tonight, the price of pan loaves will go through the roof, but the people of Britain can squeeze their wee rubber ducks as many times as they like.
"This will have great political significance in Ulster!" screamed Jim. "What shinner would want to join the Free State if their rubber duck squeezing was curtailed by the bureaucrats in Brussels?"
Tommy and I concurred, grabbed our wee,yellow,rubber ducks and squeezed and squeezed and squeezed.
What a great day for democracy and the manufacturers of wee,yellow, rubber ducks,who reside,I believe,in China!