Irrational Fears and Flak Jackets

Great show yesterday kid.
Tommy my cat crawled out from under the floor boards,where he had been timing death watch beetles run the 100 metres and said,
"It is truly amazing the amount of hate mail Mr Coyle receives on the Gerry show."
"And not undeserved!" I yelled. "Not undeserved. Any man,no matter how many eye brows he has, who thinks a pigeon is about to attack him as he makes his way to work, deserves hate mail by the sack load."
"Cats, pigeons," said Tommy,"what will Mr Coyle fear next?--mothers who breast feed?"
"He already does!" I cried."Only last week as Mr Coyle waited in a doctor's surgery to get Maine sarsaparilla dropped into his eye, a young mother began to unbutton her blouse prior to giving liquid nourishment to her young sprog. Mr Coyle leaped to his feet, yelled, "AIR BAGS!" and ran from the surgery pursued by angry villagers with torches and pitch forks."
"Outrage!" yelled Tommy, throwing down the Bangor Bugle. "The Ministry of Defence can't find a flak-jacket big enough to fit Lord Ken McGuinness!"
"Nor can they find a tank big enough to hold him!" I cried. "If there is one thing Afghanistan is crying out for now, it is a visit from Ken McGuinness. How Ken would have raised the morale of the troops by telling tales of daring-do in the UDR."
"We heard a fissle coming from behind a hedge," said Ken. "I yelled, "FIRE, AIM, RAISE!" and we shot two cows that were acting suspiciously behind the hedge."
"Could not Tubby Nolan lend Ken a body-warmer?" said Tommy.
"He could," I said, "but Tubby's mother, big Audrey,doesn't want Tubby's body-warmer coming home full of holes."
"Snipers?" said Tommy.
"Moths," I answered. "Great big buggers of Afghanistan moths."
"My-My", said Tommy, "The things you learn when you're talking to a complete tube."
I held my piece, Mother's Pride bread and plum jam. YUM-YUM!