The Ugly Face Of U.T.V.

"What a great show that was" said Tommy my cat,as he took the radio by the hand and walked it out to the wheelie-bin. That radio, unlike Mary Bell's pussy would never see the light of day again.
"That great show today," I cried,mounting a dung heap and crowing like a rooster, "that great show today could mean the difference between life and death to some poor, depressed, miserable excuse for a human being who gambled his granny's hip replacement money on the last race at Haydock Park."
"You tell it like it is sister," yelled Tommy,"'cause you is one proud, butt-ugly woman!"
"You don't know me!" I yelled to the empty room. "You don't know me,so don't be booing and cat-calling 'till you walk a mile in my drawers. If I is ugly and I sure am ugly,it was MEN that made me ugly. So don't you go blaming me 'cause I is ugly. Blame the MAN who looks at me and says,
"Every day is Halloween with her."
"You tell it like it IS girl!" yelled Tommy. "Women ain't to blame for anything. Men is to blame for EVERYTHING. You got beauty inside girl. You hold that big, ugly head high. If men don't like you, they is missing a mess of ugliness. Ugliness that conceals your inner beauty."
"TO HELL WITH-MEN!" I roared, attacking a picture of Moses parting the Red Sea with my claws, teeth and the curved bit at the end of my nose.
"And what have you got in YOUR handbag?" I asked.
"Oh just some moist wipes and a gallon of Jaffa tan," said a beaming Julian Symmons.
"Here," says Julian, "there was a wild hanlin' at UTV this morning. Paul Clarke and Pamela Ballentine fell out over the last chocolate eclair. Hur was flying. Hur, you know-hur, the stuff that grows on your head, was flying. Pammy's wee eyes were flashing an' Paul Clarke slammed the dour and said,
"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."
Then, come 'ere hi, didn't Royal Correspondent,Frank Mitchell, walk in and eat the wee eclair. Oh you should have heard the names Pammy called him.
Brown nose. auld ten things and for some, strange reason I don't understand, Mr McCrory. I hid in the girls' loo, so I did. I hid in the loo with May McFedridge who was slapping poly-filler on thon big gub of hers.
Here! I must be off. Frank has another list for the people tonight, so he has.
"Name 10 things Tubby Nolan hasn't seen in the last twenty years."
OH! that was my first guess too, but I don't think it will get past Of Com.
Must fly-Bye-Bye-Bye."