It's All Paul's Fault.

Great show to start the week kid.
Tommy my cat turned off the radio by telling it it was Chinese, turned to me and said,
"Great shows like that will greatly ease the stringent cuts that the regime on the mainland will impose on poor, wee Ulster."
"Right on kid!" I cried. "What man, or indeed woman would not give up job and home to listen to a great show?"
Tommy looked at me slyly and said,
"In the cold, bleak Winter when the cuts really start to bite, I may have to eat you."
"Great minds think alike," I said. "How would you like to be cooked,fried,roasted or boiled?"
"Roasted," said Tommy. "There would be a degree of privacy behind the oven door. What about you?" said Tommy. "How would you like to be cooked?"
"The spit will do me fine," I replied.
"No probs," said Tommy and he spat right in my face!
After a lunch of hard boiled eggs and syrup of figs gravy, I looked out my window and saw Tubby Nolan and Jim Rodgers throwing shoes at each other. I dropped the small, Tasmanian dwarf I was nursing and ran out yelling,
"Lads, lads, we are a small divided country, spill your sweat and not your blood! You can't eat a flag! Ask not what Ulster can do for you, ask instead what Ulster can do for ME! The hand of history is on my shoulder and today I am proud to say, I too am a barnacle!"
"Nigh, nigh, NIGH!" screamed Jim Rodgers. "Keep your big nose out of this. Tubby and I are settling a score with the Universal act of shoe throwing."
"Push off!" roared Tubby. "Paul Clarke of UTV told us to throw shoes at each other."
"You fools!" I yelled."You poor, deluded, innocent, ugly fools. Paul Clarke is the sole heir to the vast Clarke's shoes empire. Paul Clarke is behind all the shoe throwing incidents all over the world. It's a ploy to increase the sales of Clarke's shoes."
"I feel-soiled and-used!" screamed Jim.
"I feel-hungry!" roared Tubby.
I took both men in and nursed one on either knee, until the dawn broke over the black mountain.
"Sleep my little ones," I crooned as I shaved both their heads and drew Hitler moustaches under their twitching noses. Jim looked like Hitler. Tubby looked like Oliver Hardy. Another fine mess I got him into.