If Not Why Not?

Great shows last week Kid. Great shows which, if Newnight's bonny wee lass, Kirsty Wark is to believed opened up a whole, new, political entente cordiale between Clegg and Cameron. Some people find it difficult to tell Clegg and Cameron apart. The reason is, one is a hologram thought up by Sachi and Sachi. But which one is the hologram? AAH! That is a secret I will take to the grave, bury, and then go home and have my tea.
And if not, why not? as the bin men in Ballymena say.
As Raymond the cuckoo came out of the closet to cuckoo four o'clock, Tommy my cat and I staggered in from the back yard, bruised and bloodied. For the past four and a half hours, Tommy and I had been engaged in fierce, violent, no holds barred, hand to hand fighting to decide "who was the best since sliced bread, the Beatles or Ruby Murray?"
When it became apparent that neither Tommy or I would give in, we both decided to scrub the Beatles and Ruby Murray and pencil in the Grateful Dead. Neither Tommy or I have ever heard the Grateful dead, but we are reliably informed that they are a merry, jolly, harmonic beat combo. Tommy and I get curious looks now, being the only two Dead Heads living in Hobo Boulevard.
And if not, why not? as Fiona Bruce would say!
Tommy and I hired a blood hound and set off on the trail of our oval chum Tubby Nolan
"He's just left," said one fish and ship shop owner after another.
Then Morris the blood hound caught a head cold and Tommy slipped the leash round my neck and the hunt was on again.
"Have you seen Tubby Nolan?" we asked hundreds of passers-by
"YES!" they yelled. "Isn't he FAT!"
We finally tracked Tubby down to an all night, lorry, garage and baby clothes complex. Four man wearing goggles and protective clothing, had Tubby up on a ramp, sandblasting his nether region.
"I went up to the foreman of the four men and said,
"Well, what's the verdict? Will Tubby have to come off the road?"
"Oh no," said the foreman, who turned out to be a big fan of Audie Murphy and Dame Edith Evans.
"There's a few miles left in the fat boy yet. We tightened his joints to stop him lumbering all over the road and put in a new slabber box. But next time he comes in for a service, I would recommend replacing his big end."
"Phew!" I said. "That would be a huge job."
"Massive!" said the foreman. "But we have the technology and the curiosity to see what lies behind it."
We left then as a small man with a big grease gun approached the apprehensive, quivering rear of he who is, Tubby Nolan.
Tommy and I then went home to watch, "Come Dine With Me". Four cannibals would gather for a dinner party and the last man left standing would win one thousand pounds.
Think it couldn't happen here? You just wait and see Kid. You just wait and see. Mind you the BBC's "Blame Game" is breaking new boundaries in lack of taste and lack of humour.
But Colin Murphy can pull some wild, comic faces and the panel seem to greatly enjoy it, which, as the end of the day is what its all about!
"If not, why not?" yelled Nuala O'Loane from a passing Renault Clio!