What Shall We Buy The Queen For Her Birthday?

Great shows last week kid. Great shows which brought great comfort and joy to Jordie Tuft, as he struggles to come to terms with a non nicotine, non cooking sherry world. Old Jordie, is searching for a raison d'etre, a reason to live. Francie says it's a toss up between the Moonies and the Russian Orthodox Church. President Putin is sitting by the phone, waiting eagerly for a hoarse gulder of, "Hello ye boy ye!" "60 years!" said Tommy my cat. "60 years! Never put a foot wrong. Beloved by the people. A life time of service. Always looking radiant. A smile and a wave for everyone. 60 years!" said Tommy. "Imagine, 60 years!" I choked back a tear and said, "There was no-one more sad than me, when I heard Walter Love was leaving the BBC after 60 years sterling service." "I speak not of jazz anorack Walter Love!" yelled Tommy. "I speak of Her majesty, Queen Elizabeth the second, Queen of Britain AND Norn Iron,head of the commonwealth and model for postage stamps." I ruminated quickly behind the sofa and cried, "SO! That's why people are thronging the streets. I thought it was a ground swell of appreciation for Walter Love." "Walter Love is not leaving the BBC," said Tommy. "That rumour was started by that young whipper-snapper from Ballymena, Jackie Fullerton." "We must get the Queen a birthday presant!" I yelled. "Run and fetch the Argos catalogue." After a heated debate about deep fat fryers, Henry vacuum cleaners and ironing boards, Tommy and I settled on a lovely tiara, studded with real fake diamonds, £17.99, including postage, expensive, but worth it!" Tommy began to snigger and said, "I see Northern Ireland Nil..........." "SHUT UP!" I yelled. "SHUT YOUR BIG MOUTH!!!" "Six Nil!" said Tommy. "STUFFED!!!" "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" I screamed. Tommy laughed and said, "Where did the old, 'one two and you're in' go?" I grabbed Tommy, put him over my knee and gave him six of the best!