Great shows last week kid.
You got the old gritter,Mr Coyle,out early and put on five great, icicle-dangling shows.
All week the burning question was, "Has old Jordie turned into an abominable snowman?"
I am glad to report,that Jordie's wee lum is still reeking,and his under-carriage, while frost-bitten,will not need any amputations. Praise the Lord and pass the doats! This state of affairs is mainly due to external heat from pallets,firewood and a lorryload of wooden legs that some kindly woman was good enough to send him after her husband,Long John passed away. Internal heat was maintained from Bush whiskey, cooking sherry, poteen and the fast downing of sloe gin.
I handed Tommy my cat a big cardboard box and said,
"Christmas is a time for thinking of others who are not as lucky as we are. Take this box to the guys and gals who appear in LOL."
"What's in the box?" said Tommy.
"One liners and punch lines," I said. "Lord knows they need them."
"I'm not going anywhere near the LOL'ers!" yelled Tommy. "They might make me laugh."
"I would like to see them try!" I yelled.
Silence in court, here comes the judge.
"Tubby Nolan," said the judge,"you find yourself in the dock today,NOT because you dressed up a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose. You do find yourself in the dock for the strategically placed SECOND carrot. How do you plead you rotund rascal?".
"INNOCENT!" roared Tubby. "I am as innocent as the new born snow and the driven baby.
It was not I who placed the second carrot South of the border down Mexico way. It was the work of hoodies, slabbers and bucket bakes. Your honour," yelled Tubby,"it is a well known fact that I haven't seen the area where the carrot was placed for over 20 years! Your honour," roared Tubby,"please release me, let me go!"
"Case dismissed!" cried the old judge, whipping off his syrup of figs.
"Then I can-GO?" cried Tubby.
"NO!" roared the judge. "I want you to take me home in your car, because,my fat, oval friend,I am as drunk as a judge!"
Sunday, 19 December 2010
Monday, 6 December 2010
Magic Script Writers
Great show yesterday kid. A great show made all the more intriguing when Mr Coyle was heard to whisper in a throaty, husky, Barry White voice,
"Shall I show him Emma?"
And Emma, with a catch in her voice gasped, "NO!"
Tommy my cat and I leaped up from the two crouching Swedish dwarfs we were sitting on and ran around in circles.
"What in the Sam Hill blazes is going on in there?" I yelled.
"Coylers is weaving his magic!" Tommy cried.
"Rubbish!" I roared. "There's no magic left in Mr Coyle's old, bent wand. You need a good wand to weave magic."
"This will be on Wikileaks tonight," said Tommy,"under the heading, Emma says, NO!"
Talking of Wikileaks," I said as I went to the door and gave a polar bear half a pan loaf,"did you see Nigel Dodds still insist that the President is NOT a crook?"
"That dog don't hunt," said Tommy. "Nigel should listen to Seamus Heaney,
"What ever you say, say nothing."
"Tubby Nolan was on Wikileaks," I said. "During his last holiday he floated into North Korean waters and nearly started a third world war. The North Koreans were just ready to yell,
"Geronimo!" and press the red button when they saw Tubby's little periscope and fell about laughing."
"No one can laugh like a North Korean," said Tommy,"which is why the BBC have flown in 100 North Koreans to laugh at,Sketchy and LOL."
"Too little,too late!" I cried. "What the BBC should have done was hire Michael McGimpsey and Edwin Poots as script writers."
"Ah, McGimpsey and Poots," said Tommy. "They wrote for Tommy Cooper and Tony Hancock did they not?"
"Yes," I said, "but only after they were dead."
"A bridge too far," said Tommy. "First said by Phil Coulter when he got writer's block during,BOOM-BANG-A-BANG."
"What is little Phil doing now," I said, "tuning pianos?"
"No," said Tommy,"the little legend is working on an album about the famine. The album contains such smash hits as.
"Eating Grass"
"I'm Starving"
And "Who ate all the pies?"
I fired a double-barrelled shotgun at the middle plaster duck flying up the wall and said,
"If the Prince who turned into a frog, Andrew Lloyd Webber, gets his hands on that he will turn it into a musical."
"He must be stopped at all costs!" yelled Tommy.
"You phone the police and I'll get onto the Taliban."
Thank goodness for the Taliban. They hate anything to do with fun,which begs the question, where were the Taliban when Sketchy and LOL were wrecking havoc all over Ulster?
Answers on a postcard to Frank Mitchell under the bundle of old clothes outside the gates of UTV.
P.S. The Emma, Sean exchange was over an email to John Bennet!
A likely story!
"Shall I show him Emma?"
And Emma, with a catch in her voice gasped, "NO!"
Tommy my cat and I leaped up from the two crouching Swedish dwarfs we were sitting on and ran around in circles.
"What in the Sam Hill blazes is going on in there?" I yelled.
"Coylers is weaving his magic!" Tommy cried.
"Rubbish!" I roared. "There's no magic left in Mr Coyle's old, bent wand. You need a good wand to weave magic."
"This will be on Wikileaks tonight," said Tommy,"under the heading, Emma says, NO!"
Talking of Wikileaks," I said as I went to the door and gave a polar bear half a pan loaf,"did you see Nigel Dodds still insist that the President is NOT a crook?"
"That dog don't hunt," said Tommy. "Nigel should listen to Seamus Heaney,
"What ever you say, say nothing."
"Tubby Nolan was on Wikileaks," I said. "During his last holiday he floated into North Korean waters and nearly started a third world war. The North Koreans were just ready to yell,
"Geronimo!" and press the red button when they saw Tubby's little periscope and fell about laughing."
"No one can laugh like a North Korean," said Tommy,"which is why the BBC have flown in 100 North Koreans to laugh at,Sketchy and LOL."
"Too little,too late!" I cried. "What the BBC should have done was hire Michael McGimpsey and Edwin Poots as script writers."
"Ah, McGimpsey and Poots," said Tommy. "They wrote for Tommy Cooper and Tony Hancock did they not?"
"Yes," I said, "but only after they were dead."
"A bridge too far," said Tommy. "First said by Phil Coulter when he got writer's block during,BOOM-BANG-A-BANG."
"What is little Phil doing now," I said, "tuning pianos?"
"No," said Tommy,"the little legend is working on an album about the famine. The album contains such smash hits as.
"Eating Grass"
"I'm Starving"
And "Who ate all the pies?"
I fired a double-barrelled shotgun at the middle plaster duck flying up the wall and said,
"If the Prince who turned into a frog, Andrew Lloyd Webber, gets his hands on that he will turn it into a musical."
"He must be stopped at all costs!" yelled Tommy.
"You phone the police and I'll get onto the Taliban."
Thank goodness for the Taliban. They hate anything to do with fun,which begs the question, where were the Taliban when Sketchy and LOL were wrecking havoc all over Ulster?
Answers on a postcard to Frank Mitchell under the bundle of old clothes outside the gates of UTV.
P.S. The Emma, Sean exchange was over an email to John Bennet!
A likely story!
Wednesday, 24 November 2010
Perks
Great shows this week kid.
Tommy my cat peeped out at me from the Ann Summer's drawer and said,
"So, Mr Coyle is climbing the corporate ladder with a new extended show. The word in the hood is,that Ken Doherty hammered a steel spike into the ground behind radio Foyle,so Mr Coyle could chain his 1952 Raleigh bicycle to it."
"PERKS!" I cried. "Mr Coyle is receiving perks from the BBC. Today a steel spike, tomorrow, red braces, better known in the Bogside as galluses,and his own special monogrammed toilet paper with a likeness of Charlie Landsborough printed on it."
The lad's on his way up," said Tommy. "Why, he's only a hop, skip and shuffle away from Newsnight or How clean is your Cesspit?"
And so we leave Mr Coyle and move on to Tubby Nolan.
I couldn't believe it! There,in the middle of a circle of Japanese tourists was Tubby Nolan demonstrating,in graphic detail,how elephants pluck leaves from trees with their trunk.
"PUT IT AWAY!" I yelled."PUT IT AWAY!"
Tubby picked up his little Henry the hoover, grabbed the flexible hose and slunk off in a huff.
"AH-SO!" said a Japanese tourist.
"Yes," I said sadly."Ah-so, belly, thighs and face all made from 100% Ulster lard."
"Make velly good sushi," said an old, withered Kamikaze pilot with 627 successful missions behind him.
"Clear off Honda," I yelled,"or I'll book you a one-way ticket home on Ryan Air!"
The old Kamikaze fell to his knees screaming,
"NO! NO! HARI-KARI, BUT NO RYAN AIR!"
Tommy my cat peeped out at me from the Ann Summer's drawer and said,
"So, Mr Coyle is climbing the corporate ladder with a new extended show. The word in the hood is,that Ken Doherty hammered a steel spike into the ground behind radio Foyle,so Mr Coyle could chain his 1952 Raleigh bicycle to it."
"PERKS!" I cried. "Mr Coyle is receiving perks from the BBC. Today a steel spike, tomorrow, red braces, better known in the Bogside as galluses,and his own special monogrammed toilet paper with a likeness of Charlie Landsborough printed on it."
The lad's on his way up," said Tommy. "Why, he's only a hop, skip and shuffle away from Newsnight or How clean is your Cesspit?"
And so we leave Mr Coyle and move on to Tubby Nolan.
I couldn't believe it! There,in the middle of a circle of Japanese tourists was Tubby Nolan demonstrating,in graphic detail,how elephants pluck leaves from trees with their trunk.
"PUT IT AWAY!" I yelled."PUT IT AWAY!"
Tubby picked up his little Henry the hoover, grabbed the flexible hose and slunk off in a huff.
"AH-SO!" said a Japanese tourist.
"Yes," I said sadly."Ah-so, belly, thighs and face all made from 100% Ulster lard."
"Make velly good sushi," said an old, withered Kamikaze pilot with 627 successful missions behind him.
"Clear off Honda," I yelled,"or I'll book you a one-way ticket home on Ryan Air!"
The old Kamikaze fell to his knees screaming,
"NO! NO! HARI-KARI, BUT NO RYAN AIR!"
Monday, 22 November 2010
The Caravan Moves On
Great royal show yesterday kid. I am sure Mr Coyle's serf-like, servile grovelling has been noted in the house of Windsor.
"Whom is that brown-nosed toady?" asked Prince Phillip as he waited for old Jordie to appear.
" A mere surly churl," said the Queen,"who sweeps the floors, brings in water and keeps the bathrooms clean in the house of Anderson. His name, for some, quaint reason is, Sean Coyle."
"I don't like him," puffed Prince Phillip."Off with his head AND his feet and any protuberance that may be spoiling the line of his village idiot smock."
Tommy my cat tattooed the image of the battleship Bismark on my back with a Black and Decker drill and said,
"The dogs bark and the caravan moves on."
"Meaning-what?" I cried.
"Meaning," said Tommy,"that the tsunami of royal coverage will greatly diminish now until a week before the marriage."
And a good thing too," said Tommy. "There are other things of great importance to talk about."
"Such as what?" I roared.
"Are you aware," said Tommy,"that the Northern Ireland budget has not yet been passed?"
"Have they tried castor oil?" I asked.
"Litres of it," said Tommy,"and gallons and gallons of Jeyes Fluid. Next week, if there is no movement, Sammy Wilson is going to call in Dyno-Rod."
THEN! there was a timid knock on the door. It was little, clean, tidy Frank Mitchell asking if either of us knew how to tie a bow tie. Tommy came to the rescue and tied a hugh, frilly, scarlet-red McGuffin around wee Frank's neck that made it appear the little man was peering over a massive red petticoat. If little Frank turns up at the royal wedding looking like that,he will turn the big day into a veritable circus.
Perhaps Pammy Ballentine could have a word in his shell-like. I mean you can see the headlines.
"IS HE 'AVING A LAUGH?"
"ULSTER WEATHERMAN GETS ROYAL RISER."
"Mr McCRORY ASKED TO LEAVE!"
"Whom is that brown-nosed toady?" asked Prince Phillip as he waited for old Jordie to appear.
" A mere surly churl," said the Queen,"who sweeps the floors, brings in water and keeps the bathrooms clean in the house of Anderson. His name, for some, quaint reason is, Sean Coyle."
"I don't like him," puffed Prince Phillip."Off with his head AND his feet and any protuberance that may be spoiling the line of his village idiot smock."
Tommy my cat tattooed the image of the battleship Bismark on my back with a Black and Decker drill and said,
"The dogs bark and the caravan moves on."
"Meaning-what?" I cried.
"Meaning," said Tommy,"that the tsunami of royal coverage will greatly diminish now until a week before the marriage."
And a good thing too," said Tommy. "There are other things of great importance to talk about."
"Such as what?" I roared.
"Are you aware," said Tommy,"that the Northern Ireland budget has not yet been passed?"
"Have they tried castor oil?" I asked.
"Litres of it," said Tommy,"and gallons and gallons of Jeyes Fluid. Next week, if there is no movement, Sammy Wilson is going to call in Dyno-Rod."
THEN! there was a timid knock on the door. It was little, clean, tidy Frank Mitchell asking if either of us knew how to tie a bow tie. Tommy came to the rescue and tied a hugh, frilly, scarlet-red McGuffin around wee Frank's neck that made it appear the little man was peering over a massive red petticoat. If little Frank turns up at the royal wedding looking like that,he will turn the big day into a veritable circus.
Perhaps Pammy Ballentine could have a word in his shell-like. I mean you can see the headlines.
"IS HE 'AVING A LAUGH?"
"ULSTER WEATHERMAN GETS ROYAL RISER."
"Mr McCRORY ASKED TO LEAVE!"
Wednesday, 17 November 2010
Go West!
A great show yesterday kid for all young school girls who don't like Mondays.
Suddenly Tommy my cat who was suffering from cabin fever began to shriek,
"I gotta get out of this place, if it's the last thing I ever do."
Before you could say,"You don't send me flour anymore," Tommy and I set off down Belfast, wearing matching Seamus Heaney heavy,woollen gansyies and kingfisher-blue hot-pants. We looked good and we knew it. We did a sexy little routine from Pan's People as we skipped along. Rounding a corner we found the road was blocked by a line of men. There was an Indian,a motorcycle cop,a construction worker,a cowboy and in the middle, Tubby Nolan roaring at the top of his voice,
"GO WEST, life is peaceful there,
GO WEST, the Londonderry air,
GO WEST, where the culchies dwell,
GO WEST, and watch my ego swell,
GO WEST, to Gerry Anderson's lair,
GO WEST, where I will rule the air."
"Who goes there," yelled Tommy,"rriend or fiend?"
"FIEND!" yelled Tubby."No one can stop me now. Soon I shall rule the universe. I wonder would Hugo Duncan be my Mini-Me?"
"NEVER!" I yelled. "Hugo Duncan will fight to the last man in Strabane before he escapes over the camel's hump into Lifford."
"Soon," yelled Tubby, "I and my army of BBC minions will invade the air-space of the North/West! Soon, I will ignite ructions and riots in remote places like Kesh and Plumbridge. I will lay waste the land West of the Bann, with slabbering poison from my big bucket bake. And there is nothing or no one who can stop me."
Tubby then let loose an evil laugh that chilled the marrow in my bones and rippled the water in my bladder.
"Not so fast!" cried Tommy. "Hold hard Everard! The chosen one,Saint Patrick incarnate,Gerry Adams, will stop you at Lough Derg and banish you like the snake you are."
Tubby turned white and mumbled,
"Gerry Adams and I were always the best of friends. I will not encroach on his thiefdom. I shall raise my standard at the camel's hump on the border of Strabane and Lifford until I have consulted the Oracle of Derry, Sean Coyle. Coyle can read the entrails of a chicken, like a cub can read the Beano."
SO! What does the future hold?????
Who knows, who cares? Bring on the chilly pipers with nay breeks so I can have a good gleek!
Suddenly Tommy my cat who was suffering from cabin fever began to shriek,
"I gotta get out of this place, if it's the last thing I ever do."
Before you could say,"You don't send me flour anymore," Tommy and I set off down Belfast, wearing matching Seamus Heaney heavy,woollen gansyies and kingfisher-blue hot-pants. We looked good and we knew it. We did a sexy little routine from Pan's People as we skipped along. Rounding a corner we found the road was blocked by a line of men. There was an Indian,a motorcycle cop,a construction worker,a cowboy and in the middle, Tubby Nolan roaring at the top of his voice,
"GO WEST, life is peaceful there,
GO WEST, the Londonderry air,
GO WEST, where the culchies dwell,
GO WEST, and watch my ego swell,
GO WEST, to Gerry Anderson's lair,
GO WEST, where I will rule the air."
"Who goes there," yelled Tommy,"rriend or fiend?"
"FIEND!" yelled Tubby."No one can stop me now. Soon I shall rule the universe. I wonder would Hugo Duncan be my Mini-Me?"
"NEVER!" I yelled. "Hugo Duncan will fight to the last man in Strabane before he escapes over the camel's hump into Lifford."
"Soon," yelled Tubby, "I and my army of BBC minions will invade the air-space of the North/West! Soon, I will ignite ructions and riots in remote places like Kesh and Plumbridge. I will lay waste the land West of the Bann, with slabbering poison from my big bucket bake. And there is nothing or no one who can stop me."
Tubby then let loose an evil laugh that chilled the marrow in my bones and rippled the water in my bladder.
"Not so fast!" cried Tommy. "Hold hard Everard! The chosen one,Saint Patrick incarnate,Gerry Adams, will stop you at Lough Derg and banish you like the snake you are."
Tubby turned white and mumbled,
"Gerry Adams and I were always the best of friends. I will not encroach on his thiefdom. I shall raise my standard at the camel's hump on the border of Strabane and Lifford until I have consulted the Oracle of Derry, Sean Coyle. Coyle can read the entrails of a chicken, like a cub can read the Beano."
SO! What does the future hold?????
Who knows, who cares? Bring on the chilly pipers with nay breeks so I can have a good gleek!
Monday, 15 November 2010
Rubber ducks
Great shows last week kid,great shows which laid the foundations and set out a road map for peace and prosperity for everyone corralled within the borders of Ulster.
We,the people of Ulster are not like other people. We are dour,sour,hard-headed and,it has to be said, thick. We prefer the stick to the carrot. We have no hesitation in cutting off our nose to spite our face,and by golly, both sides of the house can march up and down ,round and round. No other nation clocks up as many marching miles as the people of Ulster. We will march at the drop of a black bowler hat,or the shrill cry from a jail,
"Nothing matters Mary when you're free!"
But we could be worse, I say we could be worse. We could stand kicking our heels at street corners,picking our nose and smoking Woodbine like the natives of Papua,New Guinea do on a regular basis.
I looked at Tommy my cat lying in a bubble bath squeezing his rubber duck. Tommy gazed through the curtain of steam and said,
"I say old girl,I do declare I could live on bread and water if I had great shows."
I mounted a brindle water buffalo called Rick and yelled,
"Great shows don't just happen. Great shows have to be planned. The greatest exponents of great shows were the Romans and Barnum and Bailey."
"Ah, I know Barnum and Bailey," said Tommy. "Did they not fall in with a chap called Cromwell and form the BBC?"
"Get out of that bubble bath!" I yelled. "Get out of that bath and while we're on the subject,there has been a deal too much rubber duck squeezing going on under the water for my liking."
"How dare you brand me a rubber duck squeezer!" cried Tommy. "I stick to the rules of bubble bathers everywhere. The number of times one can squeeze one's rubber duck in a bubble bath is set at five and I have never, never exceeded that number."
"Liar, liar pants on fire!" I yelled. "I have been watching you my fine,feathered friend and I will swear in any court in the land that you,Tommy cat,squeezed your rubber duck a total of SEVEN times."
"Lies, damn lies and the Stylistics!" roared Tommy.
THEN! Jim Rodgers leaped over a woman dressed as a red, furry tomato, landed in the middle of the room and screamed,
"Nigh, Nigh, NIGH! Great news. After an all night sitting in Brussels, British Prime Minister David Cameron has won a history-making concession. From midnight tonight, the price of pan loaves will go through the roof, but the people of Britain can squeeze their wee rubber ducks as many times as they like.
"This will have great political significance in Ulster!" screamed Jim. "What shinner would want to join the Free State if their rubber duck squeezing was curtailed by the bureaucrats in Brussels?"
Tommy and I concurred, grabbed our wee,yellow,rubber ducks and squeezed and squeezed and squeezed.
What a great day for democracy and the manufacturers of wee,yellow, rubber ducks,who reside,I believe,in China!
We,the people of Ulster are not like other people. We are dour,sour,hard-headed and,it has to be said, thick. We prefer the stick to the carrot. We have no hesitation in cutting off our nose to spite our face,and by golly, both sides of the house can march up and down ,round and round. No other nation clocks up as many marching miles as the people of Ulster. We will march at the drop of a black bowler hat,or the shrill cry from a jail,
"Nothing matters Mary when you're free!"
But we could be worse, I say we could be worse. We could stand kicking our heels at street corners,picking our nose and smoking Woodbine like the natives of Papua,New Guinea do on a regular basis.
I looked at Tommy my cat lying in a bubble bath squeezing his rubber duck. Tommy gazed through the curtain of steam and said,
"I say old girl,I do declare I could live on bread and water if I had great shows."
I mounted a brindle water buffalo called Rick and yelled,
"Great shows don't just happen. Great shows have to be planned. The greatest exponents of great shows were the Romans and Barnum and Bailey."
"Ah, I know Barnum and Bailey," said Tommy. "Did they not fall in with a chap called Cromwell and form the BBC?"
"Get out of that bubble bath!" I yelled. "Get out of that bath and while we're on the subject,there has been a deal too much rubber duck squeezing going on under the water for my liking."
"How dare you brand me a rubber duck squeezer!" cried Tommy. "I stick to the rules of bubble bathers everywhere. The number of times one can squeeze one's rubber duck in a bubble bath is set at five and I have never, never exceeded that number."
"Liar, liar pants on fire!" I yelled. "I have been watching you my fine,feathered friend and I will swear in any court in the land that you,Tommy cat,squeezed your rubber duck a total of SEVEN times."
"Lies, damn lies and the Stylistics!" roared Tommy.
THEN! Jim Rodgers leaped over a woman dressed as a red, furry tomato, landed in the middle of the room and screamed,
"Nigh, Nigh, NIGH! Great news. After an all night sitting in Brussels, British Prime Minister David Cameron has won a history-making concession. From midnight tonight, the price of pan loaves will go through the roof, but the people of Britain can squeeze their wee rubber ducks as many times as they like.
"This will have great political significance in Ulster!" screamed Jim. "What shinner would want to join the Free State if their rubber duck squeezing was curtailed by the bureaucrats in Brussels?"
Tommy and I concurred, grabbed our wee,yellow,rubber ducks and squeezed and squeezed and squeezed.
What a great day for democracy and the manufacturers of wee,yellow, rubber ducks,who reside,I believe,in China!
Thursday, 11 November 2010
No Cure For Surliness.
Great show yesterday kid.
Tommy my cat turned the radio off by yelling,
"You were good, but not right!"
A radio taker-away ran in, bound and gagged the radio and made his escape on a Honda 900cc Widow Maker motorcycle. Tommy plucked a lute, tooted a flute, pressed his suit and said,
"Mr Coyle was very surly today."
"I grabbed my Chamber's pot dictionary and yelled,
"SURLY, Morose, Gruff, Grumpy, Gloomy, Made famous by Shakespeare when he said in his famous play The mercenary of Ennis,
"Gadzooks, the knave in tattered hose was a surly churl."
"Well, bend me over and spank me with a rolled-up copy of Titbits!" cried Tommy."That's Mr Coyle to a T. Is there no cure? Is there no remedy that will cure Mr Coyle from his morose, gruff, gloomy, grumpy surliness?"
"RISERS!" I yelled."RISERS, administered by a man wearing Italian shoes and sporting a crop of newly sown hair."
"Where is Silvino Berlussconi when you need him?" yelled Tommy.
"Probably playing away from home," I cried.
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!" screamed Tommy, for no apparent reason that I could see.
As I skipped by Eason's book shop on the Donegall Road, I saw the most amazing sight. It was Tubby Nolan clambering out of the back of a bin lorry.
"What did I tell you?" I yelled. "Did I not say to you, Steve don't appear on the street wearing a black suit when the bin lorry is making its rounds?"
Tubby flicked a fish head from his hair and said,
"That's the third time that has happened to me this week. On Tuesday I had to walk back from the landfill site AND pay a fine for dumping an item stuffed with flammable material,ie curry."
"Steve," I said,"Steve,you've got to take yourself in hand. Look at you, standing there like Patrick Moore's down-at-heel love child."
"Perhaps I should get a make-over," said Tubby.
"Make-over?" I scoffed. "You need land-scaping. Oh,if only Capability Brown could have got his hands on you. I can see you now. A wide avenue leading up to a water feature at the fork of your trousers. Neatly clipped privet hedge eyebrows. Shoes with decking soles to keep you from sinking into the mire and your hair topiaried into cute,little bunny rabbits."
"Push off bucket bake!" roared Tubby. "I'm no namby-pamby like Hugh Grant. I'm tough, like James Colburn, Lee Marvin, Ernest Borgnine and Babara Stanwych who scared the pants of Sean Coyle with her Rift (Pardon me)valley."
"Cats," I mused, "pigeons, Barbara Stanwyck, could there be a link? I decided to fly to America, dig up Barbara Stanwyck, get a sample of her DLA--sorry-DNA and compare it with Tommy's. Then and only then, could we work on Mr Coyle's peculiar phobia.
As I walked away I heard a bull-like roar. Once again Tubby Nolan was in the back of the bin lorry. Seems like water and rubbish always find their own level!
It's the kids I feel sorry for, having to witness such a degrading spectacle on their way to the off-licence.
Tommy my cat turned the radio off by yelling,
"You were good, but not right!"
A radio taker-away ran in, bound and gagged the radio and made his escape on a Honda 900cc Widow Maker motorcycle. Tommy plucked a lute, tooted a flute, pressed his suit and said,
"Mr Coyle was very surly today."
"I grabbed my Chamber's pot dictionary and yelled,
"SURLY, Morose, Gruff, Grumpy, Gloomy, Made famous by Shakespeare when he said in his famous play The mercenary of Ennis,
"Gadzooks, the knave in tattered hose was a surly churl."
"Well, bend me over and spank me with a rolled-up copy of Titbits!" cried Tommy."That's Mr Coyle to a T. Is there no cure? Is there no remedy that will cure Mr Coyle from his morose, gruff, gloomy, grumpy surliness?"
"RISERS!" I yelled."RISERS, administered by a man wearing Italian shoes and sporting a crop of newly sown hair."
"Where is Silvino Berlussconi when you need him?" yelled Tommy.
"Probably playing away from home," I cried.
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!" screamed Tommy, for no apparent reason that I could see.
As I skipped by Eason's book shop on the Donegall Road, I saw the most amazing sight. It was Tubby Nolan clambering out of the back of a bin lorry.
"What did I tell you?" I yelled. "Did I not say to you, Steve don't appear on the street wearing a black suit when the bin lorry is making its rounds?"
Tubby flicked a fish head from his hair and said,
"That's the third time that has happened to me this week. On Tuesday I had to walk back from the landfill site AND pay a fine for dumping an item stuffed with flammable material,ie curry."
"Steve," I said,"Steve,you've got to take yourself in hand. Look at you, standing there like Patrick Moore's down-at-heel love child."
"Perhaps I should get a make-over," said Tubby.
"Make-over?" I scoffed. "You need land-scaping. Oh,if only Capability Brown could have got his hands on you. I can see you now. A wide avenue leading up to a water feature at the fork of your trousers. Neatly clipped privet hedge eyebrows. Shoes with decking soles to keep you from sinking into the mire and your hair topiaried into cute,little bunny rabbits."
"Push off bucket bake!" roared Tubby. "I'm no namby-pamby like Hugh Grant. I'm tough, like James Colburn, Lee Marvin, Ernest Borgnine and Babara Stanwych who scared the pants of Sean Coyle with her Rift (Pardon me)valley."
"Cats," I mused, "pigeons, Barbara Stanwyck, could there be a link? I decided to fly to America, dig up Barbara Stanwyck, get a sample of her DLA--sorry-DNA and compare it with Tommy's. Then and only then, could we work on Mr Coyle's peculiar phobia.
As I walked away I heard a bull-like roar. Once again Tubby Nolan was in the back of the bin lorry. Seems like water and rubbish always find their own level!
It's the kids I feel sorry for, having to witness such a degrading spectacle on their way to the off-licence.
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