Great shows last week kid. Great shows which brought meaning and clarity to the down-trodden, blighted lives of Paul Gascoigne, Sir Alan Sugar and our own royal correspondent Frank Mitchell.
Did you see Frank and the Queen on UTV? Wee Frank hauled and pushed her Majesty around like a bag of spuds. How proud the Queen's family must be to see her in a photograph with Frank Mitchell.In her royal diary the Queen described Frank as humorless, erratic, ruthless, tidy and very,very clean.
Tommy my cat found out the hard way that a cat can not look at a Queen,when a lady in waiting, big Bertha, hit Tommy a thump up the gub with her handbag.
Tommy is now plotting the downfall of the house of Windsor.Keep it under your hat but Tommy had a hand in the fall of the house of Usher
It was Tommy who put the Edgar Allen under Vincent Price's bed.
Tommy hit me over the head with a hammer like he does every morning to test my reflexes and said,
"What a bummer to see arts and culture cut by 15%!"
"Shocking!" I yelled.
"This Christmas poor May McFetteridge had to slash......."
"I wonder how she does that?" said Tommy.
"Probably standing up or sitting down according to what mood she's in," I replied thoughtfully.
"This year, because of the cuts, poor May's Pantomime is called,"Snow White and the three dwarfs.
And not only that. Seamus Heaney has only one snug pen to hold twixt finger and thumb!"
"When great civilizations fall," said Tommy, "the first thing to go is arts and culture followed my meals on wheels and lolly-pop men. I saw the writing on the wall when jovial George Jones and 'The hole in the wall gang' were axed. The next step," screamed Tommy "is debauchery! The people of Ulster will lie around the filthy, dirty streets in Hogarthian poses drunk as newts and twice as vicious.
Morality will go to the wall and how's your father, is your mother still working will emerge from the sinister shadows and stalk the land like a foul, evil pestilence."
"Great balls of DUPers!" I cried. "Does this mean......?".
"YES!" cried Tommy. "Ulster will never say, NO again!"
I gave a hop, skip and jump like the Sion Mill's kangaroo and ran out to buy a copy of 'Debauchery for beginners'.