Great show yesterday kid.
A great show in which fearless, intrepid, investigative reporter Gerald Michael Anderson exposed the shameful, sordid mess known as 'Cat-Gate' and Mr Coyle's evil, reprehensible part in it.
"Justice has been done." said Tommy my cat. "Tricky Dicky Coyle takes his place with Mary Bell the woman who put a pussy in a wheelie-bin."
"Don't be too hard on the eyebrow." I said. "Coyle suffers from pussy phobia. When nowt but a young Thaddeaus a cat jumped into his pram and nicked half a gallon of buttermilk that infant Thaddeaus had secreted under his pink pillow."
"I will not condemn him" said Tommy. "There, but for the grace of Ghandi.........."
Later Jools Holland looked in and we both looked on sadly at little Tommy crooning,
"Moonlight becomes you, it goes with your hair. You certainly know the right drawers to wear."
I picked up a HB pencil, drew two chairs near the table and said with a sob,
"Sit down Tommy lad. I want to have a talk with you."
"What about" said Tommy.,"the birds and bees?"
"No, not the birds and bees." I said. "This time I want to talk about the worms and maggots. Tommy lad," I said. "I won't always be here."
"I should hope not." said Tommy. "You are well by your sell-by date as it is."
"When I go," I said pointing up, while Tommy looked down. "I want to leave everything to you."
"EVERYTHING?" cried Tommy.
"Everything." I said,"the whole kit and caboodle."
"Well thank YOU!" yelled Tommy leaping to his feet. "I don't want your rubbish. This house would make Steptoe's house look like an ideal home. I'll be out a fortune paying for skips to take your old junk and rubbish to the dump."
After noting carefully how Tommy had leaped to HIS feet I leaped to MY feet and yelled,
"The deals off! I'm not going to die! I will out-live you Tommy cat and dance on your grave!"
"GOOD!" screamed Tommy into my face. "Because I'm getting buried at SEA!"
More heated words lead to whammeling and soon Tommy and I were sharing an ambulance on our way to casualty.
All night both of us yelled.
"Nurse, Nurse, the screens, the screens!" but not ONE angel of mercy brought either of us a film projector.
The cuts and bruises in the health service are really starting to bite.
(THADDEAUS! PUT THE CAT DOWN!)