A HAPPY ENDING

Great shows last week kid.
Great shows which have already been pirated and sold under the counter in dope dens in Singapore and certain,select,Mrs Baxter's Prime Haggis outlets in the Outer Hebrides. Knock twice, whisper, "Angus sent me" and ask for, "Yon Show".
Tommy and I spent the weekend Spring cleaning. We got two shovels and moved piles of dirt from one part of the house to another. As we sat down to a well earned rest with mugs of genuine Tibetan reindeer urine and crunchy insect biscuits encased in amber we heard an unusual sound.
"CLIP-CLOP. CLIP-CLOP
CLIP-CLOP. CLIP-CLOP."
It was old Bert Slack, the coal man and Del-Boy his faithful horse.
"CLIP-CLOP. CLIP-CLOP."
"HARK!" cried Tommy. "The sound of horseshoe on cobbles,is there any other sound so evocative as the clip-clop of horse hooves on cobblestones?"
"It's not THAT loud Tommy," I said, "be fair, old Bert has to make a living. You can't expect Del-Boy to pull a coal cart wearing bedroom slippers."
Tommy threw me a withering look. I caught it and put it in the drawer labelled, "Things Tommy Gave Me".
"Tommy," I said,"if a horse goes, clip-clop when it's going forward, does it go, clop-clip when it changes into reverse?"
Tommy glared at me and said,
"How did nature manage to get such a massive brain into such a small head?"
"I don't know Tommy," I replied,"I think my head just formed round it like a chestnut."
"YOU," yelled Tommy,leaping to his feet,"are a-Mutant!"
"Thank you Tommy," I said. "You're not half bad looking yourself in a scary, whiskery, feline sort of way."
"I GIVE UP!" yelled Tommy.
I just had time to shout,"Nil Desperandum" before the heavy frying pan made contact with my head.
As I went around Belfast desperately seeking guttering and spouting which commemorated the Royal wedding,I spied Tubby Nolan coming out off "Pricks" tattoo shop.
"I can't stop," gasped Tubby. "I have 24 french fancies and two litres of Coke waiting for me at home."
"WHOA! WHOA!Dobbin," I said. "You're not going anywhere until you tell me where you got tattooed. Was it perhaps your little........?"
"Certainly not!" roared Tubby. "The pain would be unbearable.If you must know I got a big smiley face tattooed on my rear."
"And why would a fat boy go and do that?" I asked.
"I'm just an old romantic at heart," said Tubby. "I do love a happy ending."
As Tubby lumbered away, I said to a lamp post,
"Watch that man! I fear the worst is yet to come!"