The Good Samaritan

After your great show yesterday Kid, I was filled with the holy spirit. I took a slug of white lemonade to wash down the holy spirit, picked up the phone and ordered a mount from Stormount.
When the mount arrived. I climbed to the top and addressed Tommy my cat. I raised both arms on high and yelled,
"Behold!"
"I am beholding!" yelled Tommy. "Get on with it."
"Behold!" I cried. "There were two men. One of the men was a Samaritan and the other man was a Pharisee."
"BOO!" yelled Tommy. "I wouldn't trust a Pharisee, as pharisee as I could throw him."
"Both men worked in the vineyard," I went on.
"Ah, winos," said Tommy.
"Not quite," I replied, "but you're not a million miles out. Now one of the men,the Samaritan, had a mobile phone. an all singing, all dancing, hi-tech mobile phone with all the latest bells and whistles. When the Pharisee saw the mobile phone he was filled with great envy and refused to eat his five daily pieces of fruit. When the kind hearted Samaritan saw this he was deeply worried. He gave his mobile phone to the Pharisee saying, "Amen, Amen, I say onto to you, there is great rejoycing in heaven, when he without a mobile phone is given one."
"Without a word of thanks, the pretentious Pharisee grabbed the mobile phone and ran off into the shrubbery. But low, low and thrice times low he could not use the it. The Pharisee, who had the charisma and the IQ of a fruit fly, flew into a great rage at the kind hearted Samaritan.
"The Samaritan is showing me up in front of the other workers," grumbled the Pharisee. He only gave me this mobile phone, so I would make a right Horlicks of myself."
Then the evil hearted Pharisee went round all the other workers spreading lies about the good Samaritan. He whispered into Emma's ear. He thrice whispered into Janet's ear. He drew back Ken's comb-over and whispered into his ear.
And soon the bad, bad Pharisee had turned the people against the good Samaritan.
The people began to grumble. Grumble, Grumble, Grumble. They were about to lay hands on the good Samaritan, when the good Lord Laird yelled,
"Unhand him! By my tam-o-chanter you shall not touch him. Did not the good Samaritan give his mobile phone to the Pharisee for nay groats or pennies? Then the good Lord Laird glared at the cowering Pharisee and yelled,
"Depart from me you scunner! I nay want tay gleek at your ugly dial again. You are filled with-bile. Sarah Bile is a good singer, but you, you are what we in the highlands call, wee tatties. On your belly shall you crawl and may Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, and the Irish guy, Mick In-Titch go with you."
Then the holy spirit left me and I fell down in a snottery heap.
"BRAVO!" yelled Tommy leaping to his feet. "BRAVO! Now tell us the story about Jonah swallowing the great whale."
I picked up my staff, my secretary, my temp and my driver and went to wander for 40 days in the barren wastelands of Ballymena. Nothing but stones, stones, stones. How I longed to hear a blirt from the Beatles.
We will stand now and sing hymn No 176.
"Jordie spreads the manure and scatters."
Is there a man here with an organ?
Man with organ? Hurry up please
That's right. Up here at the front. OOH!, that is a big one!