Birds and Snow Angels

Ladies and gentlemen, I invite you to draw up your favourite armchair, put the kettle on, open a packet of biscuits with a controlled explosion and sit back for another week of great shows. The great shows will be presented by Gerry Anderson, a man who needs no institution. To the few people who may not have heard the Gerry Anderson show before, a few pointers.
FIRST!. The Gerry Anderson show does not have a starting point. It just-happens. A good indication that the show has begun, is a fierce argument between Gerry and Sean about the name of Lash La Rue's horse, John Wayne's inside leg measurements or the merits or demerits of starting a conversation with a stranger in the men's toilet. Oh, the interrupting is part of the show, as is the retelling of old stories and changing the endings. Another thing to keep in mind is, Mr Coyle does not believe one word Gerry says and when Gerry is talking, Mr Coyle is giggling with the girls about twinsets, pantie girdles and orange peel cellulite.
Now you know the guide lines, sit back and enjoy.
I was busy knitting my eye brows with a pair of chop sticks,when Tommy my cat came into the room. His hair was back combed to within an inch of its life.The fashion conscious feline was wearing the latest hideous creation from Vivian Westwood. It was a skintight, tartan and pink, taffeta catsuit with a spring loaded fork. I can see that taking someone's eye out.
Tommy was carrying a ledger and a calculator. The miserly feline had been out in the garden collecting money from the birds, for all the stale bread they had eaten during the cold spell and I must say, it came to quite a pretty penny. A very pretty penny, with eyes of blue and long blonde hair, but, unfortunately, not a coin of the realm, unless you live in the Ballymena quarter on the island of Tonga.
And very few can afford to live there. The houses cost quite a pretty penny.
"Just remember, lard turned him that way."
I spied Tubby Nolan at the corner of fifth and eleven. The plump one was gnawing at a haunch of wildebeest and giggling to himself.
"What's so funny Tubby?" I yelled. "Are the Boeing company going into trouser manufacture?"
"I was just thinking," giggled Tubby,"during the snow I used to lie on my back, move my arms up and down and put my legs in and out. When I got up, it looked like a big fat angel had just had a heart attack."
And the oval one giggled like a bus load of obese school girls.
"Imagine," giggled Tubby, "a big fat angel having a heart attack. Can you imagine it? A big fat angel having a heart attack?"
And lard for brains went into a fit of obese giggling.
Then old Fernando Rocket went by on a bicycle and yelled.
"Tubby! there's a bolt of lightning hanging round your house waiting to smite you when you go home."
"CRIKEY!" cried Tubby. "And my lightning rod is so small. Why did I not open all my spam mail?"
Serve him right for making fun of angels. Angels are usually very good, but fall out with them and theycan be right little devils and hell on wheels!