To say yesterday's show was a great show would be the under statement of the Millennium. From the word-GO! the excitement just kept building. To say that yesterday's show was a-great show, would be like saying Sinatra was a singer, or Dracula was partial to the odd bloody mary. From the get go, Tommy my cat and I were on the edge of our seats. I have never seen Tommy so excited. "Gerry can't keep this level of excitement up!" yelled Tommy. "The show must hit a slump, this level of excitement is unsustainable." And still the excitement barometer kept rising. Old vintage tractors! A special machine for cutting long grass! By now, both Tommy and I had slipped off the edge of our chairs, but were still listening intently from a prone position on the floor. THEN! the peak, the pinnacle,the holy grail, HORSE SHOES!!! I gave a yell and rolled on the floor like a pot-bellied pig. Tommy LEAPT! to his feet, pulled clumps of hair out of his tail and screamed, "VALIUM! IN THE NAME OF GOD, VALIUM!" And come 'ere, there was more. Doctors Coyle and Janet then gave a full account of your physical and mental state which left some of us wondering if you were as stable as you look. Ken threw a wobbly and began to roar in your headphones. The front wheels were lifting off the ground, but the Undertone pulled back on the stick and kept the show on the road. What a great show.! That great show, knocked all other great shows into a cocked flat cap. After the show, I had to sedate Tommy, by hitting him over the head, with a non-stick frying pan. He'll thank me for it later.

In the afternoon, after a heated discussion with a highly educated and intellectual earwig about the preponderance of dark matter in the Universe, I skipped round to help Tubby Nolan pack for his holidays. "How many pairs of drawers are you taking with you?" I asked. "Six!" yelled the huge one. "They go into the six giant suitcases out in the hall." Even after rolling the drawers up tight, like parachutes, we still had to sit on the cases to get them locked. "Where's my teddy?" roared Lard Boy. "I can't go on holiday without my teddy." I seductively stuck my false teeth out, simpered and said, "I didn't think a big boy like you would wear a teddy in bed. I thought you would wear pyjamas, made from a striped shop awning." "My teddy bear," growled El-Plumpo. "I can't sleep without little Maraduke my teddy bear."We eventually found Marmaduke, buried under a mound of empty prawn cocktail crisp packets. "Well Steven," I said, "This is it. When you get to Atlantic City, keep away from Burt Lancaster. The last I heard, he was pushing drugs. What is it with drugs? You would think people were addicted to them or something! Steven," I said "Darling, chubby, tubby Steven, may I kiss you before you depart?" The oval one looked down his nose at me and said, "You may kiss my ring." "Here! that's enough of that auld chat." I said. "My mammy warned me about dirty auld brutes like you!"

All this and more I have seen through the window of Ken's house, where Ken was viciously sticking pins into an effigy of Gerry Anderson and pulling out what little hair he had left. Play an auld "come-all-yeh" Kid, just for little Ken.Think of his hair!!!

Oh, ask little Ken if he every heard this little ditty.

MY GRANNY WAS DOHERTY

SHE WAS THE BLOOD

SHE DROVE A STEAM ENGINE

THE TIME OF THE FLOOD

(Traditional)