Come on Arlene.

Great show yesterday Kid. The crack was indeed mighty. Or as Hugo Duncan says during every outside broadcast he has ever done "It's all happening here folks, come on down and join in the fun."An Invitation, by the way, that no one has ever accepted. Tommy my cat was walking round the room, wailing and crying. Tommy was carrying a hangman's noose and looking frantically for a rafter. He was pretending to be Arlene Phillips the caustic female judge in Strictly Come Dancing. "What shall I do now??" screamed Tommy. "To dig I am not able, to beg I am too proud.". "Cheer up Arlene," I said, "There's always Celebrity Big Brother and many appearances on the One Show." My advice did not help matters. "Tommy emitted shriek after shriek and screamed, "Why, oh why, did old age ravage my face and turn me into an old bag?" I could see things were getting out of hand, so I lifted my toe and gave Tommy a riser that brought him back from his pretend state.

Tommy reached into the pocket of his navy blue cardigan for a valium and whispered, "Did you see the rioting on TV?" "STOP!" I yelled. "We don't want any of that talk in this house." Tommy reached into his pocket for another valium and whispered, "I hope Mr. Coyle was not involved." "Stop and cease that old talk," I said. "There was NO rioting, simply a bit of horse play. We live in a peaceful society, where ALL can celebrate their differences 24 hours a day." "Pretending it didn't happen won't make it go away," said Tommy. "Yes it will," I said. "We live in a pretend society. If we believe we can some day live in peace, we may wake up one day and see Martin Mc Guiness leading an orange parade down the Garvaghy Road."

"Not my idea of Chuckie-ar-la," said Tommy. At which point I lost the bap and whammelled Tommy behind the spin drier.

All this and more have I seen on the Ardoyne Road, where gangs of youths were throwing flowers at the police and the police were Morris-dancing to the sound of the Kinks singing, "Lazy, crazy, hazy days of Summer." It could happen. It could! I must throw a young pig up in the air to see if it flies!!!