Lynda versus Nolan

"Tommy!" I shouted to my cat "Give me a she-ite when Lynda McCauley comes on. I want to see how she measures up to Tubby Nolan." "I think Tubby is much more gigantic than Lynda," said Tommy. "I think Tubby would have trouble getting into Lynda's bra." "Stop that old corner boy talk!" I yelled. "You've been watching too much channel 4 my lad. From now on you are grounded from watching channel 4." "That's not fair!" screamed Tommy. "That means I won't see Alan Carr.""That's right!" I yelled. "You are not allowed to listen to the rude, vulgar, utterances of a man who looks like the love child of Ken Dodd and Janet Street Porter." "Alan Carr is not vulgar!" screamed Tommy, "he is ground breaking, he pushes the envelope, and any filth is in the mind of the viewers." "Snotters,dumplings and balderdash!" I yelled. "The man is a veritable Lenny Bruce." "Lenny Bruce is a comic legend!" yelled Tommy. "Only because he's dead!" I shouted."When Alan Carr dies, you can watch all his DVDs, safe in the knowledge, that what once was filth is now acceptable and historic." "You old witch!" screamed Tommy. "How do you sleep at night? HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT??" "DIAZEPAM!" I yelled, "Washed down with a big mug of vodka." There was no answer to that, so Tommy made none and kept stum.

After a lunch of religious salad, lettuce pray, I ran pell mell round Belfast emitting the well known cry of the corncrake. I was trying to lure Joe Mahon out of the long grass. But alas, no Joe! I hope the little chap is not extinct! The last I heard, there were just two pair of Joe Mahons breeding in the whole of Ireland. As I rounded a corner, I ran into Michael Leary of Ryan air coming out of the gents' toilet. "It's standing room only in there," said Michael. "As it will soon be on Ryan air!" I yelled. "Have you lost your mind Micky? How is a hijacker supposed to go about his business, if the aisles are blocked by standing passengers?" "I don't know," said Micky, "And what is more, I don't care! It's all money with me, money, money, money!" "You jumped up little Paddy!" I roared. "I remember you as a boy, bringing home turf from the bog in a donkey and cart and now it's all Boeings and Airbuses, where did it all go wrong? When did you lose your charming Hibernian innocence and become a money grabbing little Fagin?" "I remember it well," said Micky. "I was in the Palace cinema in Baggot street. I was just a boy,but when I watched, Fiddler On The Roof, and heard the guy singing, "If I Was A Rich Man," my whole life changed." "You little Celtic up-start!" I yelled. "You're just another Hitler, you blame the Jews for everything." Micky picked my pockets and went off singing, "They say the best things in life are free, but you tell that to the birds and bees, I want money, that's what I want."

All this and more have I seen from the studio of UTV, where Lynda Byrons was giving Frank Mitchell a pink stiletto riser for not warning her about approaching showers.Apparently, Lynda had a big washing out on the line. Frank might have at least have mentioned it!!! It could have saved him much pain in the McCrory derriere!