Judgement Day

What a great show you put on yesterday Kid. It was like a fried egg, with the sunny side up and we all got the yoke. Tommy my cat, was packing a small suitcase and singing "A policeman's lot is not an 'appy lot". |Tommy was pretending to be Sir Hugh Orde. Tommy looked at me and said "See that great show today, that great show would rank in the top five with other great shows I have heard".. Coming from Tommy, that is high praise indeed, Tommy could have been a critic, but he didn't have the Latin or the killer instinct. As Lynda Byrons flew past the window on a bicycle, wearing a bikini, followed by Paul Clarke, Frank Mitchell, Adrian Logue and Julian Symmons, similarly attired, I knew that the end of days was near. First, Sean Coyle had seen strange signs and wonders in the sky, Tubby Nolan had been seen break into a trot and now, the entire staff of UTV Live, were cycling round Belfast in bikinis. The day of judgement was upon us. Tommy and I grabbed our cloaks and staffs and headed for the Black Mountain, to get a good view of the fire and brimstone. "THE END IS--NIGH!" I yelled to Jim Rodgers, as he came round a round-a-bout on a maroon Raleigh bicycle, wearing an itsy, bitsy, teeny, weeny, yellow polka dot bikini. "NIGH-NIGH-NIGH!" screamed Jim, "Avert your eyes from the elected official's seals of office." Suddenly, something huge and nude appeared. It was Steven "Tubby" Nolan, as naked as a promiscuous jay bird. "Hey Lard Boy!" I yelled, "Where is your judgement day bikini?" "Under my rolls of fat!" roared the chubby one. Want to feel?" "NO!" I yelled, "Lord Lucan could be hiding in there." Soon the Black Mountain was covered by the population of Belfast and surrounding districts, all wearing judgement day bikinis. As we waited for the end, James Galway, wearing a lovely silk bikini, whipped out his flute and began to play, "We Did It Our Way." Then the news filtered through, that the end was not-NIGH. It was a blink of sun that had driven the people mad and made them change into bikinis. Oh how we laughed, as little Angie the weather girl was chased out of town, leaving a trail of cloud symbols and spits and spots. To see some people in a bikini is a delight, to see others in a bikini, is a prelude to much boking. Nolan tramped back to town like a Sumo wrestler muttering, "If this gets back to Radio 5, what will they think of--STEVE?" All this and more have I seen from a dainty dimple on the right buttock of Madam-X--YES, she was there too!.