YOU TRY BRINGING UP A CAT ON YOUR OWN

I was sitting in my snug, comfortable, condemned abode, pretending to me Ann Robinson.
I had six pounds of pan-cake make-up on my visage and a large iron chain hanging round my neck. I found the chain in the shipyard, the night before the Royal yacht Britannia drifted away, I could hear the Queen shrieking "Oh, one is all at sea!"
No. They never knew it was me-they blamed Sinn Fein as usual.
I was running the chain through my hands, as I grimaced, smirked, leered and screamed
"You are the weakest link-goodbye, you are the weakest link-goodbye!"
I love little-diddly Ann Robinson. She used to be a woman you know.
The soft tread of a feline alerted me to the fact that a cat was coming down the stairs.
It was Tommy, my life long feline partner and weather permitting and the creeks don't rise, the cat who would proudly stand beside me for a civil cermony at the city hall, all it needed was a nod from Nigel Dodds. I don't forsee any problems, Nigel is noted for his progressive and inclusive views, or was that, Nigel Kennedy, the spotty virtuoso of the fiddle?
I turned and looked at Tommy and in spite of years of yoga training, I was unable to stiffle a
"Be-Jeckers!" Tommy stood with one hand on the bannister and the other on his hip, wearing a vivid pink jogging suit with, HELLO SAILOR, written on the back.
I blanched, I did, I blanched and recoiled. Tommy swung a skipping rope in the air and said
"I'm just out, I thought I would go down to the corner and skip with the girls. By the by old girl, does my bum look big in this?"
I-I-I-reblanched and recoiled, only for two drunken dwarfs supporting me, I would have swooned, or had a bloody good try at it.
I found my voice, it was under the vase on the mantlepiece and roared.
"ENOUGH. up with this I shall not put, this damned feline, effetness must stop! Look at you!" I yelled "Look at you, all done up like a big girl's blouse, you're making a show of yourself! I hear the other cats, oh yes, you don't think I do but I hear them cat calling as you mince down the street, "Now's the time to be oh so wary, here comes Tommy like Julian Cleary."
"Sticks and stones" said Tommy, inspecting his nails "Sticks and stones".
"Tommy, Tommy, Tommy" I pleaded "Do something manly, buy a bullworker, pee on the street, use the sink instead of the toilet, I don't care but put this pernicious, effetness behind you"
Tommy stuck his little pink tongue out and sneered "See yah, wouldn't want to be yah"
I watched Tommy mince down the street, I was too tired to shake my head, so I put it in the blender. "Tommy" I whispered "What will become of us at tall-at tall-at tall, with the potatoes blighted again and the bansee wailing in the woods like Ann Robinson?"
I need help and advice and I needed it-NIGH but for some strange reason, I found myself outside Steven Nolan's house. I heard the plump one whimper "Ah mammy, stop fussing" Then I heard his mum big Audrey say, "Now listen here, our Steven, if you think I'm going to let out out like that, you have another think coming, so think on lad, think on. Eeh I don't know what it is with kids now a-days, I really don't. Tie your muffler nice and tight our Steven and if you go by mill, pop in and ask if there's any trouble, now bend over while I fix you up".
I peeped through the gooseberry hedge and saw big Audrey down on her knees fixing a-
DANGER WIDE LOAD sigh to the rear of his massive trousers.
As Steven lumbered through the gate, I leapt on him and shrieked "Oh Steven, oh Steven, my heart is broke, I think Tommy is...... !"
"Tommy is what woman?" yelled the terrible Tubby, "Tommy, is-what?"
I looked all around and screamed "I think Tommy is,---one of -them"
Steven ruminated, yes, right there in the street, rubbed his chin and said, "He could be, he could well be, but with a name like-Tommy, you never know if he's a Catholic or a Protestant"