BIG BROTHER? NO BOTHER DUDE

As the start date for BIg Brother 08, drew near, Tommy my cat and I reached a state of excitement bordering on hysteria. We had enough food and toilet roll in the house for three months. Tommy cancelled all his appointments with the feline defence league, I cancelled all my electric shock treatment,if I felt depressed or lets face it, mad, I could always spit on my finger and stick it into the wall socket. We painted the windows black, so as not to be disturbed, I painted the inside and Tommy painted the outside. We stuffed a duvet up the chimney, in case Santa Claus came early. We hired a large, 12 foot plasma screen TV and bought two three-legged stools from Ikea. Then we took all our money out of the post office, ran hell for leather for the Royal hospital and yelled to the receptionist, "Two frontal lobotomies and two snazzy Brazilian waxes please". "Certaintly" said the receptionist, "will you be requiring anaesthesia with that order?"
"Only for the Brazilians" I yelled "We have brought two bullets to bite on"
"Bye the bye" said Tommy, as he struck a match on the bald head of a man going by on a trolley. "How much is colonic irrigation these days? I suppose like everything else, it's gone up?"
"Surely not" I yelled "The whole point is to bring it down".
"We have a special deal on colonic irrigation this week" said the receptionist, with a smile, that she stole off a drunk clown. "Buy one and you get one free".
"We'll have one each" I yelled, "Give me a piece of paper and I'll draw you a map of our anal canals" "How thoughtful" said the receptionist, "If only more people did that".
"People have no manners these days" I roared, "It's all me, me, me and besides, most of them couldn't tell their arse from their elbow"
"Well, it is very difficult" said the receptionist "The two are so alike"
"I have a little tip for you my dear" I said "Always remember, you can stick your elbow up your arse, but you can't stick your arse up your elbow"
"How possibly charming" said the receptionist "I must write that down, now where did I put that lung I was using as a notepad?"
Before all this happened, oh long, long before, I was lying in the middle of the road yelling, "Ba-ba-ba" I was pretending to be Amy Winehouse with a stutter.
Suddenly, I was so rudely interupted by Sir Hugh Orde, he of the PSNI, don't you know and all that malarky.
"Get up you muppet" yelled the Anglo Saxon "You can't lie there, this is the Queen's highway"
"I'll move when I see her coming" I yelled "I know my rights"
"And I know your wrongs" said Sir Hugh "Come on, let's be 'aving you"
"Push off copper" I yelled "You can't go pushing me around-see, I don't like to be pushed-see, I was once pushed into the sea-see, and I didn't like it-see, it made me sea-sick-see and I couldn't eat my tea-see, so don't go pushing me-see"
The uniformed one, grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and dragged me into the gutter.
"Police Brutality!" I screamed. The DUP, the UUP, Sinn Fein, the SDLP, even Alliance, all walked by on the other side of the road. "Pharisees!" I yelled "Whitened sepulchres, Phillistine s and-and-wild hatful gulpins, you walk on by-and you don't even-wait on the-corner, we're strangers brothers, strangers, when we meet"
"Get with it dude" said David Ford of the Alliance, in that laddy-dah voice, "Country 'n' western is old cowboy hat, we're all into hip-hop, you got to get with it Bro, get in the groove daddy-oh and boogie on down" "That's right" screamed Martin Mc Guiness "We have all moved on, next thing, you'll be singing, Bridge Over Troubled Water, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha".
Steven Nolan took me home, I laid my head on his large air-bag (Stomach) and softly crooned,
"Don't know why, there's no bird up in the sky, bleather, bleather"
The heater was on, I was knee deep in crisp bags but for the first time in my miserable life, I was happy. Happy, I tell you, I snuggled up to Steven and ate crumbs out of the turn-ups on his trousers. Happiness, is a fat man with big trousers.