WILL TOMMY THE CAT SAY I MEW?

I looked at Tommy my cat, standing there,arms behind his back,wearing a grey suit that the widow of a Betterware salesman, had given him after her husband was killed in a front door fracas.
If only he hadn't forced the pink lavatory brush on big Genevieve. She thought the Betterware man was infering that her ars.. derriere could do with a good scrub, so she grabbed the brush and stuck it up his---.Oh it was terrible. Even the police and the fire brigade required counselling, and it took so long to get it out, but the good news is, that the lavatory brush is back on sale, and marked down for being shop soiled, scenes of celebration at the Betterware office??? I looked at Tommy, standing there in profile, the lid came off a Jar of Profile in the morning and scattered everywhere. I wet my lips, by holding them under a running tap and said, "Tommy?" Tommy turned, by slightly shifting his head and said, "What?"
"Do you know who you look like standing there Tommy?" I said. "Whom?" said Tommy.
"Neville Chamberlain." I said. "As I looked at you, standing in profile, which you should have cleaned up, I thought to myself--thought--Tommy looks just like Neville Chamberlain".
"Really?" said Tommy. "Yes, really" I said "You look like Neville Chamberlain after he came back from Germany, after having tea and cream buns with Herr Hitler.
Chamberlain got off the plane, waving a piece of paper in the air, hundreds, thousands, millions of people were there to greet him. Old Nev waved the piece of paper and stated the bleeding obvious, "I have a piece of paper in my hand!" he yelled. Some in the crowd shouted, "So he 'as, you know.I never would have believed it! Stone the bleeding crows!"
"I received this piece of paper from--Herr Hitler!" yelled Nev. "Go on!" yelled the crowd.
"It#s true" roared old Nev. "Herr Hitler, gave me this piece of paper from his own slender, lily-white hand." "What you gonna do with it mate?" yelled a jovial Cockney with a heart of gold.
"I shall use this piece of paper," roared Chamberlin "which by the way is A4, Yes, A4, it's the good stuff, it has a water mark on it and everything. I shall use this piece of paper, does everyone see the piece of paper? I shall use this piece of paper in No 10 Downing Street, in my position as Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, to--to make shopping lists, play noughts and crosses and to doodle on if I can't make it to the lavatory".
Well the crowd went mad. They threw their flat caps in the air, stuffed jellied eels down their working class cake holes and had a right good old knees up"
"Why are you telling me all this?" said Tommy
"Because you remind me of him" I said
"Remind you of whom?" said Tommy.
"Neville Chamberlain" I said
"Oh" said Tommy.
Later I looked at Tommy and said, "Marvin Gaye."
"Oh God," sighed Tommy "Do I remind you of him too?"
"Of course not," I laughed "He was black and so are you. No, the thing is, I heard something on the grapevine." "What did you hear?" said Tommy and a blush spread over his thin, sensitive face. "I may as well blurt it out" I said. After I had blurted, Tommy and I cleaned itup, using plenty of dettol and 7UP.
"The word is,Tommy," said "The word is that you are doing a strong line with the ginger tabby that sits on number 7's dustbin".
The sound of--silence, so deafening and yet-so silent.
"It' true, sighed Tommy "in fact I may ask her to name the day".
"But the days have all been named Tommy. I said "Why not ask her to marry you instead?"
"By Jingo, I will" cried Tommy, sl;apping his thigh like Dick Wittington in Pantomime.
"This calls for a drink! I yelled, and I ran to the tap and filled two large glasses.
"My wee Tommy married, I sobbed "I never thought I would see the day. How handsome you will look in top hat and tails and I take it the bride will be wearing white?"
"Of course! yelled Tommy "Who do you think I am--Peter Stringfellow?"
"NO, NO, I said "you're not a bit like him, you're more like-Neville Chamberain"
THEN-BOM-BOM-BOM Tommy looked out of the window and turned as white as a black cat can. I ran to the window and scrutinised the street by the use of my eyes.
There was Tommy's Tabby, walking arm in arm with the ginger Tom from number 17,
Tommy gave a yell, oh such a yell, it sounded like a cat in torment.
"The slag!" screamed Tommy. "The dirty, rotten slag! I must write a letter and tell her what I think of her." Tommy ran upstairs to his room. When he reached the landing I yelled,
"Tommy, I have a piece of paper in my hand.".
Tommy told me what to do with it and it bore a striking resemblance to what big Genevieve did with the lavatory brush to the Betterware man. Coincidence???---Probably!!!


After a good lie down go now to.....
www. rosie-ryan.blogspot.com
Ghost anyone? ghost in bottle--Google The Spamount Mill ghost and contact me at..
jpmcmenamin@gmail.com