WHO WAS IN AND WHO WAS OUT?

It was dark, so very dark, I was curled up in a snake basket, pretending to be Peter Robinson, the new Fuhrer-sorry--leader of the DUP. I was spitting venom and angrily lashing my tail.
"Martin McGuinness will get NO handshake from me" I spat, cutting off my words as Peter does with a pair of sharp scissors. "I wonder what dear Iris has for tea?" I spat.
"I hope it's not steak and green peas again. I hate green peas. Why can't she buy red peas or blue peas? I must have a word with that woman, before our marriage turns into an abomination".
I spat more venom and rattled my tail---Then-I heard the front door shut. I knew it wasn't the back door, because we don't have one. I listened.
"Cooee" I yelled. "Cooee" came an answering call. "Who's that out there?" I cried.
"Who's that in there?" said the voice. "I asked first" I said. "But I know who's out here" said the voice and you don't". "I know it's not me" I said "Because I'm in here"
"Yes you are" said the voice "but being in there, doesn't make you any better than me, who is out here". "I never said I was better" I yelled. "I simply said, from in here, who's that out there?" "I heard you" said the voice "Being as I am out here, it is quite easy to hear anything that you say in there". "Who are you?" I asked.
"Who are you?" said the voice "I think a person who is out, has more right to ask a person who is in. It is obvious that I am not in there and indeed even more obvious that you are not out here.If I was in there, I would not need to shout ,"Cooee, who's that in there?" because it would me, but being out here, I have no clue who is in there, so that is why I ask again, who's that in there?".
"Not so fast" I yelled "Being in here, by view is restricted, so I think I have the right-NAY the responsibility to ask--who's that out there?".
"Why don't you come out and see?" said the voice. "Why don't you come IN and see?" I countered. "But if I came in" said the voice "and you came out, then I would be in there yelling "who's that out there?" and you would be out here saying "Who's that in there?"
"Its a condominium" I said "I don't think that is the right word" said the voice out there.
"But it's something like that, condominium, condiment--something like that".
"Is it-conduplicate?" I yelled "No, no" said the voice, "I know what that means, it means to fold together lengthwise". "Are you sure?" I yelled "I thought that was-condescend".
"No, No" said the voice "I don't know who is in there, but you seem to be very stupid".
"Hark at you!" I said "standing out there being impertinent".
"Are you sure its-impertinent?" said the voice "I always thought it was-impersonate".
"Who's stupid now?" I yelled "It seems that being out there, doesn't make you any smarter than someone in here". Silence--but he hadn't gone away, I could hear the scuffing of his shoes.
I deceided to try again. "COOEE!" I yelled from within.
"COOEE!" he answered from without.
"Who's that out there?" I yelled.
"Who's that in there?" answered the voice.
"It seems like we've reached a stalemale!" I yelled "An empasse-a roadblock".
"It looks like it!" yelled the voice. "What will we do?" I said, "You have no intention of telling me who is out there and I have no intention of telling you, who is in here, what shall we do?"
"It's a rum do all right" said the voice. "Listen, I have had enough of this nonsense, I'm off for my tea". "What are you having for tea?" I yelled "Let's see" said the voice "Today is Thursday, it will be Birds-Eye fish fingers and Heinz beans tonight".
"Very nice" I yelled "I thought I would just open a tin of John West Tuna".
"Oh aye" said the voice. "Listen, listen" I said "this is stupid. We are two mature adults. Let's call a halt to all this childishness. Now once again I ask, I plead, I plead on bended knee,
who's that out there?"
"I would like to help you, I really would" said the voice "but I have my principles. I have noted your kind, indeed generous words, but after due consideration, I must reply,
Who's that in there"
And then he left, just shut the door and left. I climbed out of the snake basket and looked up and down the street, not a soul in sight, he had disappeared. I wonder who he was? and I wonder, does he, like me, wonder long into the night, just who was in there and who was out there.
Eeh, there's nought as queer as folk.