This Higgs Boson Hanlin'

Great show yesterday kid. A great show which proved once again that Mr Coyle still has a hankering for the sea. "Do you hear old Barnacle Bill?" said Tommy my cat. "Why, a sniff of salt water would have him down on his knees, puking up his daily five." "Mr Coyle a sailor?" I laughed. "The man couldn't walk a dog, never mind a plank." "Leave him," said Tommy. "He's irrelevant!" I pulled the blinds, lowered my voice and said, "Tommy, how is the Higgs Boson hanlin' coming along?" Tommy, made a little arch of his fingers and said, "Ah, you talk of the God particle?" "QUIET TOMMY!" I whispered. "HE!" and I pointed on high with my finger, "HE, might be listening. Imagine how angry God would be if he knew you and I were talking about his particle." "Tommy laughed and said, "The God particle is not actually a particle of God." I leaped to my feet and yelled, "Then why call it the God particle? What are they really looking for, with the big Hydron Collider?" "I shouldn't really say this," said Tommy, "but the sole purpose of the Hydron Collider is, to see how much money they can waste before people see it for what it is. A folly! A white elephant! A fraud!" "The hat trick!" I yelled. "First the politicians, with their fraudulent expenses. Then the banks, with their Las Vegas style games and now the scientists, with their big underground sewer pipe. I bet it's not even there!" I yelled. "I bet the Hydron Collider, does not exist!" "Of course it exists!" roared Tommy. "We all saw it on TV." "Did we Tommy?" I yelled. "Did we really? All I saw was a nine inch television screen and a wee dot of light." "You don't understand," roared Tommy, "due to lack of schooling and stupidity bordering on extreme thickness." "It's a fraud!" I screamed. "A fraud thought up by the government to take our minds off the horrible, depressing things happening in Eastenders." "Rubbish!" roared Tommy. "If the government wanted to distract the people from dire, brain-dead stories in soaps, they would not choose Eastenders, Hollyoaks would be their first choice." "Hollyoaks," I muttered. "Where everyone is young, blonde, but yet, strangly, never happy. You've hit the head on the nail Tommy!" I cried. "The Hydron Collider, is really a ruse to take our minds off bad TV!" Tommy, threw himself on the floor and screamed, "Ill timed! Ill timed! Why was the Hydron Collider not used when, "Give my head peace" was on?"