The Donegal Dander

Great shows last week kid. Tommy my cat stood looking at his fake, Rolex watch, waiting for the minute when Andy Murray, would be knocked out of Wimbleton. It won't be long now," said Tommy. "Then I can get on with cataloguing Daniel O'Donnell's records, using the well known repulsive scale." "Which record is in last place," I asked. "Wooden Heart" by a mile," said Tommy. "Not only for the singing, but the little stilty dance Daniel performs while singing it." "The Donegal Dander?" I asked. "Indeed!" said Tommy. "When dancing the Donegal Dander, the feet never leave the ground. The illusion of dance is maintained by awkward bending of the knees and clapping the hands behind the beat, while smiling, or leering, in a scary, groovy, hip, grimace." "Enough of O'Donnell," I said. "What did you think of Richard the Second last night on TV?" "The best work Shakespeare never wrote," gushed Tommy. "What acting and what a relief it was, not to spot old faces from Eastenders, or the Bill." "A stellar cast!" I cried. "Though burdened down by scrap metal and looking sometimes like Ned Kelly, they put on a display of acting I have only seen bettered in Hollyoaks." "I was struck by the sparseness of the King's room" said Tommy. "No paintings, or posters on the wall. The floor devoid of linoleum. No TV, or radio. Nick nacks were noticeable by their absence." "It was very serious," I said."All talk was about war, treason and intrigue, but no small talk. No one ever said, "Yoiks! I see good Lady Hamilton is verily up the McDuff again." or, "My King, I got my doublet and hose saturated after yon Tempest last night, which has, not only wrecked havoc on my person, but has devasted my Hamlet and made my enemies Lear." There stood Tubby Nolan, talking to the fattest man I have ever seen. The two men stood belly to belly, but their heads were so far away they had to shout to be heard. "Did you ever try the Atkins diet!" yelled the very fat man? "I wanted to," roared Tubby, "but I couldn't find any packets of Atkins on the supermarket shelves!" "I went on a plum diet," bellowed the very fat man, but the police put me off it. Too many people got hurt. Matt Baggott, holy be his name, said I was like a gattling gun when I passed the stones.". "I must go!" roared Tubby. "You move three yards to the left, while I move three yards to the right, then we can squeeze past each other.". "Good thinking fat boy!" roared the very fat man. "Thank you, you obese Zeppelin!" yelled Tubby. "My My!" I said. "The things you see when you haven't got a gun!".