Jordie The Constant Countryman.

Great show yesterday kid. A great show which caused an old codger to yank out his diamante studded catheter and proclaim to the world, "PEE AT LAST. PEE AT LAST. THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, PEE AT LAST!"
Tommy my cat hitched up his heavy-duty, industrial knickers and said,
"What an absolute joy to hear the gritty, hard-as-nails voice of old Jordie again! Old Jordie keeps me-grounded. he is a constant, always there when war looms or swallows revolt and fly upside down to show their contempt for mankind."
I spat on two hands that reached inside the broken window and cried, "Old Jordie is a man of the soil. He desires neither gold or silver. Old Jordie is never happier, than sitting atop a steaming midden sipping an early morning cooking sherry."
"Here's to him, who's like him, since the King of Tongo died!" yelled Tommy.
I got down on my knees on the floor to lower my voice and whispered, "Mind you, old Jordie has been under surveillance for over 50 years by the CIA,FBI,MI5,MI6 and the Legion of Mary."
"Why should these dark forces be interested in a simple countryman?" asked Tommy.
I looked all around,blessed myself, muttered, "Allah is good" and replied,
"Old Jordie is unable to recollect where he was on the 22nd of November, 1963."
Tommy's eyes opened wide, his black face turned white and he gasped, "Eeh by gum. Well, I'll go to the foot of our stairs."
"SHIBBOLEH!" I cried. "Jordie Tuft has no alibi for the day President Kennedy was assassinated!"
"CHEROKEE CREEK!" yelled Tommy. "Could old Jordie have been the figure seen on the grassy knoll?"
"The grassy knoll, not at tall!" I yelled. "It is my hunch that on the 22nd of November, 1963, old Jordie was sleeping off a drunken debauch in a disused badger set."
"I agree!" cried Tommy. "It is a well known fact that when the cooking sherry runs out, old Jordie seeks refuge underground with the rabbits, foxes and badgers."
"Conspiracy?" I yelled. "What conspiracy?"
Then, buoyed up by a strange, hysterical exuberance bordering on Bedlam, I stuck my head up the chimney and yodeled for six hours. Everyone who complained to the police said it was Kenny Archer!